I’m sifting thought a ton of late…and advocating more about innocence and forgiveness…of myself…
Tell ya why.
I’m having to track back over the past few years and get a sense of how I’ve spent and why I’ve spent…doing much spring time financial ordering if you will…
And its vastly difficult for me.
The why it’s so vastly hard: I am watching my own biography of overcoming a ton of fear.
And it’s not been about comfort shopping…by any means…
It’s looking at the record of why I chose to live where I did and why…
what made me move dozens of times…and why…
And why I’ve kept on…and kept on…and kept on.
I have a visual memory.
And I remember every. single dime spent.
every single purchase.
And why I spent that way.
And it can feel like a bad dream in ways.
And it can feel like a dream come true in other ways…the sculpting and making practical of our innermost yearnings.
Because I’m reminded of the fear I felt and all the courage I had to exert when I exerted it and why.
A couple days ago I found myself just flooded by a sea of tears….and I was really perplexed because I’d thought I’d be grateful to see a ton of progress.
Nope.
I was weighed down by how hard it’s been.
How vastly hard.
and how it doesn’t even seem to get easier.
And I was reminded of a recent call from a patient who asked that very thing: when does it get easier?
And I was reminded of another call by another gal who basically is giving up all the hard and giving her life to someone else to steer.
And I nod with every choice.
And I feel compassion for everyone’s why.
And I relate in so many ways to the hard.
And to the question of does it ever get easier.
So I pulled away…to breathe…to get perspective.
I’m so always about the now but the history and the past choices can weigh so much and wanna be seen as the only story going on.
But it never is ya know?
Never are the single events and choices we make the real story.
We live in a society that celebrates certain events as proofs of progress: marriages, babies, graduations, grad schools…you know the way…and all of those events do matter and are worth celebrating.
But we’re not a society that celebrates the silent victories no one sees of overcoming fear and pressing on to fulfill a dream.
And while we don’t need celebrations, we do need to pause and hug up our why and zero into that behind the scenes.
The stuff behind the scenes?
That’s the real story to me…the why…the motive..the how we’re sculpting honestly and faithfully all that makes sense to us at the moment…all that we are able to choose at that moment.
Even when we cant see beyond that moment.
So then to look back with regret seems foolish.
Seems so much better to look back and know we did the best we could with what we had at the moment we had to.
But easier said than believed or felt….and still we gotta ask why is it so hard.
So I pulled away….and in my getting thoughts still and listening…which I call praying…
I began to see why.
Sometimes a surface choice is incomprehensible or unthinkable to anyone doing just that…looking at the surface.
But when we go deeper and look at motive…a couple things may happen.
We remember why we chose to do what we do.
But prayer makes me go a bit deeper still.
I remember the Love that was holding me each and every single second and hour…
And so it then becomes not so much why I acted in fear…but why inspite of fear I was still. able. to move forward.
And that story?
That to me is the story I wanna focus on…not the events but the why behind them…that to me is the real record.
Not in what was spent, not spent.
Not in where I chose to live or where I chose to move out of.
Not in what I lived in as ‘clothes to function in” vs what I tossed and pitch as no longer serving the who I am anymore.
Not in trying to keep a sane sense of community and life by joining twitter and facebook while living out of a motel 6 years ago.
Not in purchasing a condo that’s in a town inconceiveable to many who’ve known me since childhood.
Not in the actual events themselves…but in the why behind them.
Because see it’s in that record, in seeing the how Love held me, I am able to heal my sadness over choices made and see a deeper story of oneness going on.
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I wasn’t gonna blog this today…but I thought maybe there is someone else out there who is either avoiding looking at her past choices or beating herself up or himself up for them.
And so I wanna offer this:
Even if no one will ever comprehend why you did what you did,
Even if you see now – ways you could have been a little bit or a lotta bit more practical,
Even if now you think you would do much differently,
go deeper still: try to see the motive you had and then ask: how was Love holding on to me there and then…and how–this is the tougher one– did Love nudge me onward…inspite of much…
Some of us have deep scars for the hell that happened to us.
Some of us made our own next hell in trying to get out of that current one.
But to me the real record of our perserveering is what kept nudging us forward.
That’s the total love hug….
Whether an inlove fell out of love or a marriage ended…
Whether a job was lost and coworkers or boss betrayed…
Whether a home was lost or sold out from under us and relatives proved unreliable…
Whether no one was there as a constant friend…
No matter the what happened….
The real story will always be how we pressed on…how we heeded nudges and kept on…
And ya know what else?
Methinks it’s not about easy…but finding those evidences of the constancy of Love’s stronghold.
I’ll get through this record keeping.and be done with the numbers.
But what I won’t ever need to be done with is realizing that at every moment in our toughest hours at times, there is always a shepherding guiding forever leading presence of Love itself steering.
We may not see it.
We may not even be able to go back to feel it.
But it is there.
Always.
Loving us so.
And that story, our Her-story — the how Love mommied me inspite of everything…is what I want thought to focus on.
How bout you….think about how Love’s been holding you…mommying or daddying you…can you try to see that story?
If you could, would that help give perspective to the events?
Would love to hear…
Big hugs for reading…
Tre ~
If you want help in tracing that current of how Love held you always, I hope you’ll be in touch. It’s what I help folks figure out and sift thought to see.
Just fill out the contact form (blue tab to the right) and lemme know how to reach you.
And to receive regular updates like this on how I’m healing fear, subscribe to “heed the nudge”…blogs like this that share how I’m finding that deeper story.
