Nurturing My Now…Step by Step

This is the first in a series “Being True To You” for Tuesday

Okay. Here it is. I’m on the edge of my seat blogging from a place of conflict:

On one hand I’m experiencing utter frustration with myself which accusingly ruminates:

“You’re such an idiot.

You know better than this.

You’re so completely weak.

There ya go being indecisive, yet again.

When are you gonna matter to you? When are you going to become number one to you and commit to your life for cryin out loud?”

And on the other hand, I’m experiencing this utter calm, almost glee and knowing which knows:

I’m steadying on.

I’m not caving to the externals.

I’m being productive in a deeper way.

I’m being…

Hmmm.

So which view am I going to sublease, or better stated, which thought conclusion am I going to follow through with and ‘own’ for the remainder of my day? (and days and weeks to come?)

And here’s the kicker:

The negative attacker?

I’ve followed that voice before…yep. Know it well. Was my only rudder for years. And guess what?

Nothing really ever changes ’bout that attacker voice cept what it’s barking about.

Guess what again?

That attacker voice, while it comes to you and in your voice..isn’t you…it is the internal battle we each must wrestle with and face down in order for our authentic voice to breathe and live.

But the forms it takes seem habitual and the patterns of attacks are familiar.

Mine came this way yesterday morning:

“How is it possible given what I committed to my heart that I am still…here?”

Well, this is me being utterly honest.

One of the ways that condemning voice I spoke of Sunday attacks me is by accusing me of being a lame nilly who can’t follow through with choices that matter.

But this accusation for my now is off-base and wrong.

And here’s why:

I am still in a city that I resolved to move from a coupla months ago.

And why am I still here:

Because I made a conscious choice to dive into my writing and evolve it alongside all else that I’m doing no holds barred. Meaning it — for me — is never gonna be about dependency…on anything except utter honesty with myself.

The being true to me and to my needs is never going to be about anything other than standing in the mirror of my thoughts and asking:

Do I like what I see?

Or am I hiding, on any level?

And if so….can I be gentle enough with my heart to intend thoughts in the direction that will support me and step by step my way to the outcome?

For my now, this attacking voice is old news.

I used to flutter and fret if I didn’t have the beauteous surrounds I pined for.

It knows this and knows I used to be vulnerable to that argument:

“but this doesn’t look a thing like what you want for yourself.”

And for years, I convinced myself:

I don’t need a view to write.

I don’t need warmth to write.

I don’t need 24/7 90 degree weather and sunshine and balmy palms to write.

I don’t need to hear seagulls chirping, taste the sand on my lips and breathe in the salty balmy ocean breezes.

I don’t need to be anywhere or do anything in order to write except this one thing: write.

Get up.

Get to my computer.

Turn it on.

Own my fingers as an admired mentoring online friend Liz Strauss once tweeted to me.

And do it.

Write.

And here we are.

Okay….

And I’ve chosen to say yes to that way of living….and have.

But guess what?

When we live so minimalistically that we force ourselves to ‘endure’ choices that are just that “the bare minimum of what we need”…we do something extremely unkind to ourselves:

We neglect our hearts.

And so here it is: I’m giving myself permission to know that I don’t want to neglect me anymore…not on any level.

And yes, I’m finally at long last birthing topics that I’ve been pregnant with far longer than nine months.

And I’m finally braving waters of words I thought were far too freezing to touch to let alone plunge into publically.

And that will be the now expression of motherhood and swimming and thriving in freezing winter that I will choose.

But it doesn’t have to be where winter actually happens 🙂 because these surrounds don’t feed me, don’t nurture me…Or better stated, I have to really struggle with my thoughts to nurture myself in these types of surroundings.

The difference is now: I am aware that I’ve chosen to just settle for the minimal view of what I thought I needed.

And now, I want to gently emerge and give myself permission to have more…

And this is why, because I’ve already made that commitment to my heart, there’s no reason the condemning arguments hold any merit.

I’m not a dumb ass.

I’m not a weakling.

I’m not uncommitted to my now.

Do you hear and see the detrimental, accusational way that the condemning voice thrives?

So to that condemning voice I will say:

I am nurturing my now in the best way that I know how.

The ‘where ” i’ve chosen to locate myself is in thought.

I’m step by stepping my journey and embracing the surroundings I need to nurture my now (ie: tropics, sun, balmy breezes, sounds of ocean).

But even without those for the very now, I am open and welcoming the stillness and peace that are my true dwelling space because I’m claiming my right to own and live there, in thought, and not have one ounce of my steadfast dominion be interrupted by blaring arguments.

The external expression of the where we want to be will come.

The external expression of what we want to evolve with our lives will come.

The look and feel, the tone, the aura, the every ounce of expression of who we are will come…and is…but it all starts in thought.

I know that so much better now and perhaps have always know glimpses of it (inspite of all the many cross country road trips I’ve done solo to ‘find me’). 🙂

I know as I blog this I can feel a tangible relocation is evolving and I surely plan to blog that.

But for the now, for my very immediate, I will honor and nurture myself and not cave to these negative accusers.

My truth has nothing to do with any gross accusation or evil shunning.

None of ours does.

We are each like that beautiful mass of marble that is being sculpted….

The muck is chiseled away….the beautiful form emerges…but she is there all along..in grandeur and beauty and fullness….aglow.

So I’m creating…and continuing on….and yes…moving mentally in thought..and envisioning a different setting for my life…and it will be.

And I am hugging my heart with love and kindness and warmth and tenderness for the wonder that is honesty and the brilliance that is standing for what I need.

Here’s to that journey and here’s to you claiming and living yours…..

Tender hugs…