Thought by thought . . .

Stubborn, willful tendencies at times blare so forcefully, they squelch–or try to– the buddings of innate desires to just be.

I am pretty sure that to the degree I let go the reigns of insistance on what the surface appearance of my life should look like do I then begin to birth and bud my innate substance without resistance.

While I’ve grown leaps and bounds from where I once used to be, I have a ridiculously intense habit of yearnings and longings for ‘things’ based on past familiar warmth experienced with those things.

So in ways, I tend to pine for warmer climates and salt water breezes and the chiming of palm frawns dancing in the warm sunshine.

Utter honesty reveals it’s not those elements that gave me joy but the circumstance of the moment wherein I experienced them.

And further honesty ponders “Must you live a life that anticipates externals are the source of joy, fulfillment or happiness?”

I know the answer.

I run from it well.

And no matter how many times I’ve packed up and moved, literally or in thought, I am very aware that externals: people, weather, dwelling spaces, zip codes, clothing, styles, seasons–none of those can ever quench the yearning within for home, for community, for belonging, for meaning, for purpose, for being.

Not a single one.

The lure to chase a lot of the above pulls –if you let it–24/7 and would have you chasing externals ad infinitum.

Of late, whatever that means, I’m learning how to resist that pull, giving myself permission to bud within, even though my externals seem the antithesis to all I felt defined me.

And while this is okay, it’s in a way scary. But it’s not unfamiliar. I’ve done this before, several times actually, and yet I guess I get to keep learning some unique lessons.

There’s tons more on this topic I need to write.

I’m only touching it superficially and surfacely.

Yet, to stand still, mentally, and be…and be comfortable in looking at THAT as your all, perhaps there is no greater sense of love and home and fulfilment. I do not mean at all loving yourself egotistically. I mean, being at peace with being…letting go of all willful controling self centered ego, seeking and striving for meaning in truth, in reality, building connections with the stuff of substance.

Rather timely that spring is tiptoeing it’s way out onto earth’s stage.

Rather a blessing that nature allows it to….every year…

Rather awe inspiring that a once iced over field which then exposed a very dirty neglected looking soil now exposes ever so gently these tender buds of life.

Rather precious to me the metaphor therein…what buds we allow ourselves to burst when we cease running, resist arrogance and will, and allow ourselves the mental space to be.