To celebrate Women’s Equality Day, I’m trying something new

I’ve been hypocritical.

In ways.

Here’s how.

This summer marked 3 yrs that I’ve been microblogging on twitter and facebook….

And I got to thinking…

I seem to flow with in real time technologies…but not so much in my day to day blogging…or living.

And that seemed hypocritical to my life practice of practical spirituality and the endeavor to exude oneness, connectedness with that which grounds and bases our being.

Unless it’s not.

Unless, perhaps, the real story is in the process.

Which I fully believe that it is.

Yet looking at my blogging practice? It’s been way more mechanic than seemless flow.

I sometimes wait til I have a biggie good to me idea…and then I’ll write….

But the waiting? Not okay.

The bashing that something isn’t a good enough idea?

Not okay…

Okay.

There’s more.

I do the same thing in life.

I walk around never feeling ‘ready’…on a lot of things that I’ll save for posts to come.

But it’s kinda a biggie wake up.

I feel grounded in my conviction of oneness to the divine Mind that bases us all.

But my living of this has tons of room to exude that conviction.

I get ideas, I second guess them.

I see where I wanna go, I get scared and freeze.

I know in my heart what I must do, then I stall.

See the hypocrisy?

And worse?

If I wait and write only when something’s all set or all figured out or whatever?

I’m not investing in ‘us’…you and me…this blog relationship.

I wanna do better.

I wanna show you my heart and open up more and share my behind the scenes.

So today, in my honoring of the 40th anniversary of Women’s Equality, I’m choosing a new way.

🙂 Kinda neat huh? that we can self edit? Hmmm. Luvvit.

I’m gonna blog more spontaneously, more in the moment, more exposing how I’m thinking and why I’m thinking it so that you gain a better sense for how I approach how I’m doing this thing called life.

It’s time to share the real story…the behind the scenes…the process….

Why haven’t I?

Summa that is fear of not knowing what to say when or how to say it.

I’ve acted like this space has to be where I show up when something’s been healed, because after all that is reflective of my profession…I’m a practitioner of healing…

But what’s funny?
That doesn’t feel honest anymore.
I wanna share the struggle so you see how I’m sifting it in thought and why.

I don’t wanna seem another second that I care only about the ending.

I’m so not about the endings.

Or the performance.

Or the purchase.

Or the finality.

Endings are important. Absolutely.

But not when every single moment an ounce of fear is licked, that’s healing…that’s triumph…that’s the story.

I’m such the behind the scenes gal.

Why.

Because that is where the real story happens.

It’s not about finding the perfect spot to call home and moving in and all is hushed until you do because you can’t let anyone see that you’ve lived out of motels and your car and done whatever you needed to. Where’s that story? Where’s those glimpses of how I resolved hecka loads of fear.

I asked myself that the other day.

“Tre, whatcha doin really?..Are you gonna share what happened and how you processed it when you’re all cozy settled?”

I was humbled by my answer.

I’ve been afraid of sharing my behind the scenes.

Not so much out of embarrassment.

Not so much out of not wanting to hurt people.

But more out of there’s a lot of seeming mess that still is getting resolved.

And yet….I know know know in my heart….we are each evolving our lives. Like flowers bud. Like sculptures are chiseled.

I wanna share what I’m chiseling…how I’m budding, what I’m seeing.

Not after I’ve seen it but while.

The real story?

It’s all of our behind the scenes.

So for my writing?

It to me is no longer gonna be about ‘presentation after the fact.’

It’s gonna be all about the behind the scenes.

And I realize my words are raw right now.

But rather than edit, I’m gonna just hit publish.

Why.

Because I am forcing myself to expose the process and show you how I’m thinking about it.

Why.

Because I wanna hold your heart through your process instead of expect you to show up when you’re all done too.

If we wait til one another is all done?

We’re gonna be missing life.

We’re gonna be alone behind the scenes…saturated in our own muck of thinking “I’m not done yet but when I am ready I’ll….”

Think that way for a few years and you live “when I’m ready I’ll do x, y, z”

Well, guess what?
That type of thinking translates into never ready.

Always waiting.

Never doing.

And really never being.

Kay.

Not sure about you but over hee-yah? (here) I’m so beyond done with never ready, never being, never living…fully…

And now I’m  giggling b/c an hour from now it’s gonna show up again in thought. “Wait….I can’t do that yet…not til I ….umm….wait…and seeeee….and ya know..wait some more….to seeeee ummm I dunno. something….”

So it’s not honest to say I’m done with ‘never being” or refusing once and for all to ‘stop waiting.’

A more natural, nurturing, gentle offering?

I’m done assuming that that type of thinking is my preferred, my choice.

It’s not.

It’s imposed thought that needs to be squelched.

Why.

Because. At every/any moment, we are already whole and complete. That is the spiritual fact.

The way to live this is to know at any given moment we have what we need to figure out that immediate right now next step to take….even when it means swallowing, breathing, knowing I need a hecka lotta more courage before I do that.

Fine….so I work on building my fearlessness and growing my willingness.

But that is a process.

It’s not a wake up one day and wammo the gal is fearless.

It’s step by step grow the courage, knowing fully I have all of it that I need to handle what I need to accomplish.

If I can use a metaphor….

Waiting til one’s ready is like standing on the edge of the pool.

Heck I always dove right in.

I never waited.

The only time I waited was when jumping off dive boards.

And why ?

Because I prefer to bond with the water more closely.

I’m that way with people too.

Gimme a one to one I’m all set.

Throw me in a room of a lotta folks and I get nervous. Still. (I do mom, stop rolling your eyes).

Kay. But even there? I can shift my thinking to see each person as a mini one to one.

Lemme pause for a sec and wrap some closure to this outpouring.

The whole point?

The doing.

The being.

The LIVING.

And how?

To see we don’t have to wait a nudder second…

We’re already ready.

If it’s come to you to do and it’s kept coming, well come with me, hold hands and let’s dive in, kay?

Huggies.

Holler at me if any of this jived and you wanna talk about it some more.

Big luvs.

(Oh, if you’re new here, I’m a huggy touchy luvfest kinda writer. Warmth matters. 😉 )