I have a little friend
Her name is M. Accountable
She always wakes at dawn
and seems ultra responsible.
She shows up always early.
And never is ever late.
She devotes herself intentionally…
And never seems to feel shame
She holds the highest standard
An aura all her own
She came knocking.
Yet tbh ?
I wasn’t ready to take her on ?
She texted “are you busy ?”
And I froze a couple days
Thoughts spiraled again and again
I felt a tug of war between
Performance or changing my ways
On one hand I could reply
And play pretend
Do what I always do
And seem fine
I’m an expert at being a yes girl
In the past I’ve done all she’s demanded
On another hand
I could ignore her
There’s no mandate to reply at once
But then I’d have to face the guilt and fear…
Oh golly I still am this small ?
But then my inner strong came
And asked me straight up
Who are we here to be
Are meant to role play and seem
Follow assumed character and personalities
or
Unfold our sense of right anew… intentionally?
I paused and breathed a while
Sat with this question some more
Wondered about my response…
Felt hope open a new course
But inner child fretted
“I never meant to ghost her
I don’t wanna hurt her more
I’m just intimidated by her ways
And fear losing myself for sure
I wonder if I brave admitting
Her ways are too rigid for me
But ask if we can compromise
Will she permanently abandon me?”
Again I didn’t answer
A few more days went by
Ignore it I wasn’t and wouldn’t
But had to face inner warfare day and night
“I gotta respond
She’s gonna hate me
But I’m not ready
She’s gonna stop speaking
But I’m not ready!
She’s gonna want my all
I can’t yet
You cannot with her be half in half out
Then what do I do?!
It’s all or nothing…
I can’t yet
Give it a few days…”
“But what if I need weeks or months?”
I don’t wanna have to answer
and again seem fine when maybe I’m not
But mostly I don’t wanna pretend
And lose my childlike thought.
I tried to get still
and listen within and just then:
Tender one, Tre,
You haven’t broken any law …
You’re not on trial this day
or ever
Being is not a test…
Nor this moment a performance review…
What you’re being asked to do
is simply rise…
You’re allowed to expect more of you!
Continue to inward shine
And listen for the deeper within
How is it nudging you each moment.
Choose growth. let go fear’s stronghold.”
~~~~~~
Ahhh I felt a sense of hope…
But soon more crashing guilt
How many times could its seem I was blowing her off
when I was taking care of my thoughts
Maybe I could explain it someday
Maybe she would understand
I would have to face the now though
And overcome feeling condemned
That day I wrote a very brief text
“Sending so much love.
Not ready yet to connect.
Please don’t take it personally.
I’m taking care of myself.”
I had major butterflies…
And then I exhaled long
And when a calm came on
I heard the inner mom:
“Aww let’s take a moment
And look at what you did
You followed your highest sense of Love
and took care of your heart this moment.”
But soon thereafter a tsunami of guilt came
Because the old pattern wanted in
The old ways found me performing to please and seem
A who I’m not ready yet to live
I wondered if there was a gentler way
To be true to the demands of each moment
I wondered if the guilt would lessen if I grew my “what’s doable in a day” expectations.
And as I wondered that way
A reply came just like that
“Oh Tre I’m with you always… keep listening to and following your heart.”
Love always,
M. Accountable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
