And she felt a deep yearning…not at all certain the form it should take.
Certain it was consistent because, well, it was rather right there all the time.
At first she took charge and steered this yearning as if it was a car.
She drove it one way and was certain, positively, the yearning was intended to go, well, THERE of course.
And she got there.
And that wasn’t ‘it’
Of course the familiars of acclimating distracted for a time.
And the practicals of setting up shop and getting everything just so, as she was wont to do, swayed her focus for a bit.
But at long last, she realized she was still waking up with the same yearning.
So she did what she knew.
She packed up and steered the yearning in a different direction.
And drove it somewhere else.
And got there and did what she did.
She set up shop, adjusted to the area, figured out the logisitics and the practicals.
And felt certain she was all set.
But the yearnings were STILL there.
And she took a long while.
And then she knew exactly what was wrong.
Of course.
She was in the wrong space.
Again.
So she packed up, and steered this yearning far away….to an area that was this time unfamiliar, certain the newer setting would surely be the answer.
And she set up shop, acclimated, adjusted, and then….just when all things were to her liking, she clued back into her heart.
Yep.
Sure enough.
The yearnings were STILL there.
Hmmm.
Perplexed by this reality that after so many attempts to steer the yearning just so, and put it here and there and everywhere….
She wondered what could possibly be wrong.
And then she thought maybe nothing is wrong.
But maybe it’s time to stop steering.
And this frightened her.
Because she liked being in charge and in control and ya know the final word.
So she scooped up this yearning and said
“Okay.
So it’s your turn.
You steer for a while.”
And with that, she set the keys down.
And breathed.
And allowed the uncomfort of letting go be replaced by giddyness and glee.
Okay, she thought. I can allow the yearning to steer for a while.
And she breathed.
And ego calmed.
And control dissipated.
And insistance on timing and rigidity of structure melted.
And she breathed some more.
And then?
She giggled.
Because in one more small way she was beginning to see: we can not package up our innermost yearnings no matter how much we strive to get it just right.
Rather is being unfoldment…moment by moment and thought by thought.
And she paused and took a deep breath and realized she must make friends with the journey steada focus so much on the destination.
Ahhhhh.
🙂