Dear fear,

This is a very difficult letter to write

Because you’ve been so rather loyal for years day and night

And I know you would prefer I shyly mutter or ramble

But tonight I must directly address you and hence this letter.

It’s become very clear to me

You wish me to stay dependent on a belief of external authority

and doubt myself and wonder if I’m wrong, and let’s not forget apologize… repeatedly.

You seem so very able to show up just after I stand.

And attempt to brave more footsteps in the courageous ways I can.

You seem so very tolerant of small utterances and whispers

You are always right there to keep me smiling (with those who seem intimidating) and in conversation stay on the surface.

You want me to dote on you and tend to your every need

But year after year your needs are suffocating to me.

Why?

Because nothing I give you is enough.

I give you a bit of my thought space and you wish to come in and slither your way into every corner I have left.

It just wasn’t good enough for you when I was small

To insist I stop climbing trees once and for all.

As I kept climbing even falling out of them with bloody noses or two

You insisted I stop trying to confront the bullies at school who called me fatty and yet when I did that wasn’t good enough for you.

You wanted me to stay chubbo and large and yet when I lost 40lbs at age 11 rather than celebrate you started saying I looked ugly and had no charm.

Highschool years and college years passed and no matter how much I tried you wanted to insist I couldn’t dance.

Yet I made the drill team and then proved the ability to long distance run

And so when you couldnt zap my spirit physically you tried to enter more deeply into my thinking and had me second guess myself.

So early on in my budding years of metaphysician work you thought you could make me quit and give up

Yet even when to the surface I did just that

I proved I could teach middle school and ran a learning center and you wanted to rob me of that.

Not good enough

Your ideas will never work

Yet I was appointed the head of the 5-8th grade learning center

Then you wanted me to believe I couldn’t succeed when I aspired for even further education and pursued 3 Ed Masters degrees…

And later when the time came to come on back east

You wanted me to doubt I could ever find my way again and yet I proved I would and did.

And that move was about 12 years ago

And here you are still wanted to reak havoc even more.

The thing that I notice most of all with you

You show up when least expected and try to convince me there’s nothing I can do.

And yet each time I prove you’re nothing and continue

I’ve been able with partnering with Love to do so much more than I ever thought possible.

Drive across country time and again

Move to different cities finding jobs and housing within days

Figure out how to set up a bank account in my own name

Save pennies and figure out how to obtain housing when I didnt know where to live

Keep on in my writing and my healing work endeavors

And now just on the cusp of more growth you show up to strangle me yet again.

Dont you see I know your game well

Dont you see I can’t be duped

Go ahead and hiss some more and tell me I’m a complete utter failure and goof

Or go ahead and louder still shame my every breath

Tell me I’m an idiot and a farce and that this now goal is just absurd or that I’m a wreck.

Condemn blame shame some more and use people to mouth your song

It doesnt matter how loud you get fear I will forever know YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND AND YOU ARE WRONG

So I will continue to fight a good fight

And I will continue to wage war in my thinking

You’ve never been able to reign permanently there

That’s the domain of Love’s kingdom

Go on and tell me I’m all alone or that no one will believe this is possible

Go on and tell me I have no evidence of ability

And go ahead and try to cheat me of dignity some more

I will always know it’s you speaking not Love by the degrading tones and tactics you take

And dont you know after all these years fear, I am fully aware

It’s not me BUT YOU THAT IS A MISTAKE

And so on this the last few days of the first month of 2016

Let’s be certain forevermore that today tomorrow and the weeks and months to come

dear –hardly — fear against me and my oneness with Divine Love you will never ever win.”

 

Tre ~

 

The above was penned spontaneously as a poem of spiritual advocacy in the whee hours of the evening upon a morning when I need to take a step i’ve earned the right to for the past several decades…