This is a very difficult letter to write
Because you’ve been so rather loyal for years day and night
And I know you would prefer I shyly mutter or ramble
But tonight I must directly address you and hence this letter.
It’s become very clear to me
You wish me to stay dependent on a belief of external authority
and doubt myself and wonder if I’m wrong, and let’s not forget apologize… repeatedly.
You seem so very able to show up just after I stand.
And attempt to brave more footsteps in the courageous ways I can.
You seem so very tolerant of small utterances and whispers
You are always right there to keep me smiling (with those who seem intimidating) and in conversation stay on the surface.
You want me to dote on you and tend to your every need
But year after year your needs are suffocating to me.
Because nothing I give you is enough.
I give you a bit of my thought space and you wish to come in and slither your way into every corner I have left.
It just wasn’t good enough for you when I was small
To insist I stop climbing trees once and for all.
As I kept climbing even falling out of them with bloody noses or two
You insisted I stop trying to confront the bullies at school who called me fatty and yet when I did that wasn’t good enough for you.
You wanted me to stay chubbo and large and yet when I lost 40lbs at age 11 rather than celebrate you started saying I looked ugly and had no charm.
Highschool years and college years passed and no matter how much I tried you wanted to insist I couldn’t dance.
Yet I made the drill team and then proved the ability to long distance run
And so when you couldnt zap my spirit physically you tried to enter more deeply into my thinking and had me second guess myself.
So early on in my budding years of metaphysician work you thought you could make me quit and give up
Yet even when to the surface I did just that
I proved I could teach middle school and ran a learning center and you wanted to rob me of that.
Not good enough
Your ideas will never work
Yet I was appointed the head of the 5-8th grade learning center
Then you wanted me to believe I couldn’t succeed when I aspired for even further education and pursued 3 Ed Masters degrees…
And later when the time came to come on back east
You wanted me to doubt I could ever find my way again and yet I proved I would and did.
And that move was about 12 years ago
And here you are still wanted to reak havoc even more.
The thing that I notice most of all with you
You show up when least expected and try to convince me there’s nothing I can do.
And yet each time I prove you’re nothing and continue
I’ve been able with partnering with Love to do so much more than I ever thought possible.
Drive across country time and again
Move to different cities finding jobs and housing within days
Figure out how to set up a bank account in my own name
Save pennies and figure out how to obtain housing when I didnt know where to live
Keep on in my writing and my healing work endeavors
And now just on the cusp of more growth you show up to strangle me yet again.
Dont you see I know your game well
Dont you see I can’t be duped
Go ahead and hiss some more and tell me I’m a complete utter failure and goof
Or go ahead and louder still shame my every breath
Tell me I’m an idiot and a farce and that this now goal is just absurd or that I’m a wreck.
Condemn blame shame some more and use people to mouth your song
It doesnt matter how loud you get fear I will forever know YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND AND YOU ARE WRONG
So I will continue to fight a good fight
And I will continue to wage war in my thinking
You’ve never been able to reign permanently there
That’s the domain of Love’s kingdom
Go on and tell me I’m all alone or that no one will believe this is possible
Go on and tell me I have no evidence of ability
And go ahead and try to cheat me of dignity some more
I will always know it’s you speaking not Love by the degrading tones and tactics you take
And dont you know after all these years fear, I am fully aware
It’s not me BUT YOU THAT IS A MISTAKE
And so on this the last few days of the first month of 2016
Let’s be certain forevermore that today tomorrow and the weeks and months to come
dear –hardly — fear against me and my oneness with Divine Love you will never ever win.”
The above was penned spontaneously as a poem of spiritual advocacy in the whee hours of the evening upon a morning when I need to take a step i’ve earned the right to for the past several decades…