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Dear Yesterday… Thank you

The stay at home has found us all thinking deeply –or avoiding thinking deeply–and since I’m not good at avoiding… and I’m good at thinking deeply, I’ve found myself writing letters each day…

It’s helped me feel connected and grounded to the what was and what is and what may come… It’s helped me reconnect with various ones who’ve companioned with my footsteps along the way, especially if I haven’t always told the person how much I valued him or her. (I am one who tends to so trust my actions at the moment and in the present interaction).

Still, I’ve wanted to do more…share more…go ahead and tell that person how significant his or her kindnesses were for me back then along the way.

And like what happens when we reflect, sometimes doing so raises some regret…And we can either choose to face the regret or avoid itand I’ve learned to go ahead and face it…rather than run from it which I used to do.

So during this reflecting time, I’ve noticed whenever someone has left my life or when I’ve chosen to, or had to move on from someone or some situation, I often wish I could go back and acknowledge the good that happened for me… for both of us…and I often wish in ways I could go back and not take any of it for granted…(though I’m not sure I ever do take any of it for granted…but how does one truly ever know this? and we can always do more to say thank you)…

Still, along my journey I’ve learned that spiritually speaking, we never lose anything of true substance… and that all we ever truly need we have within.

So it’s within that spirit that I share this letter with you…a poem I uttered one day spontaneously after praying and feeling the weight of loss over the unexpected hault and end to ‘what was’ when so very much altered within seconds and none of us saw that coming.

It helped me heal the utter depths of fear of mortality ….the belief that good ends…

It helped me acknowledge all the great good that now IS and cannot be lost.

When I wrote the letter below at the beginning of the stay at home on my iPhone with my left thumb and right pointer, I went to publish it like I always have. And when I tried, my blog wasn’t working…

And that was like meeting my inner edge… I literally began to flow tears…for you see within this blog I have cradled several book ideas…but that’s just it….cradled them….I haven’t lifted them up out of the blog and given them the life they maybe deserve in book form…(more on the why later because in blogging these ideas and cradling them, the courage that gave me enabled other steps of courage….we learn it’s all good don’t we?).

I took several weeks to learn how to face the now and be okay with what is…one of which was a broken blog with thousands of posts just sleeping there, a lot of relationships that have been functional and who knows if that person ever really knew how significant he or she was to me in those moments (be it a manager of an apartment complex, landlord, grocery clerk, gas station attendant, realtor, bank teller, DMV attendant, salesperson at a home goods type store, plumber, electrician…so many people have friended my now…and how to ever thank them all?….), and staring face to face with the now and how to proceed…how to be…and in the process healing a ton of regret or fear and a sense of loss and abandonment or imprisonned and forbidden– beliefs I believed I already knew how to overcome… (we learn we have new occasions to prove timeless truths)

I give you all this background because rather than show up and share a post of learnings, I’m gonna go ahead and share some of the “deep” letter writing….because more stories emerged…

Like yes, I have experienced loss before but not this way….so here is what I did to rebirth the now…

And yes I had experienced being abandoned or forbidden before, but this was different and here’s what I wrote and what I did to heal that feeling and proceed in these recent days…

For even during learning how to tweak my blog, I hit such a low I wanted to delete everything I have online….and maybe I will at some point…but not just yet….for therein I would be abandoning ideas that hold meaning for me….still.

So in the spirit of no loss….

In the essence of eternal good and demonstrating that we persevere and thrive even amidst the deepest darkest of thought times,

I am sharing this as one perspective …

Please know, I’m perhaps stating the obvious here: you have no need to agree with my way of thinking,

Some may role their eyes or have already exited and won’t read anything further.

You have no need to value it or even be moved by any of this…

Some may message me which often happens why do I keep writing like this!!!???!!! …

But some may find value….and it’s for them ~~and my intuitive sense that keeps saying I must write~~that I pen on.

If you are one of those …one who feels it all and rolls up her or his sleeves to not run but to heal it as best as you’re able… and if any of the below resonates with you…I would so value hearing from you.

And or if you read the below and you would desire connecting more to learn about how to heal a sense of grief, loss, abandonment or regret or any other dark cloud that may be suffocating you during the now, I welcome hearing from you and possibly working with you.

And of course, if anyone you know would benefit from reading this, feel inspired to share it via email or your outposts like facebook, twitter,etc.

Sometimes in the midst of believing we have lost everything we find we have all we need within…

I’m grateful for your moments here and appreciate you truly.

My heart with yours, Tre ~

One of the first early mornings I was braving facing now

Dear Yesterday….

(with all your tender meaning that I am recognizing…)

Thank you …for the good you gave me so unselfishly…

much I probably didn’t appreciate enough or always …fully…

but all of which

hugged me …

grounded me …

and loved me …

thoroughly…

Thank you …

for your enduring patience

and calm tolerance

with all my inner wrestlings

(Should I? Shouldn’t I?…)

Thank you …

for constantly listening to all of my big huge idea plannings …

and holding all of my footsteps…

even those I stalled

Or those that found me stumbling…

You held me well…

and let me lean… (again and again or so it seems) …

You listened for hours to all my “well, maybe somedays” or “someday when”

And you didn’t really even roll your eyes when my “lemme wait and see” came and I’d justify it as wisdom…

And still …when I’d gently whisper “ok I’m ready now…”

you nodded

held my hands

and helped me always grow …

Even when I’ve uturned …

You didn’t shame me much.

You always provided a safe landing space…

And encouraged me to set out next time by seeing myself already there… in thought.

Better than a bestie, you stood by my side…

and truly, I had no idea how much I would miss you…

when I’m realizing …

I never got to say goodbye…

But…

even as you hear that?

you would wink at me and remind this:

Good is

And ever was

And is at hand right this second in now’s midst.

And you’d defend I’ve used courage before

And turned thought to the things of true substance

Rooted and grounded in Spirit are we all.

You would tell me I’ve partnered long enough with “I’ve gotta do that someday.”

And that there’s new wonders to be lived in Now if i just not resist…

You would welcome me to have a very light —if any —-agenda …

And to stay so deeply opened hearted.

You would defend for me and everyone that Now holds just as much good and to not shrink but embrace her with even more courage..

That I need to mentally step fully into that atmosphere … and to demand good not be anxious about her or suspicious.

You would encourage me to trust her now pace… and to expect to experience great joy.

You may even tell me her ways will afford me an expanded sense of humanhood to embody and employ….

You would dry my tears but not shed your own …

and you’d remind me you’re forever in my heart…

And you’d echo what I’ve always said —-that once you know true substance as Love, you carry it with you near and far….

You would tell me to let go longing to what was, could have or should have been…and to stand fully in this new day…

This moment now…

unfold to new ways and LIVE!

You would remind me to take a deep breath and that whatever needs doing will occur in all good time.

You would hug me and pat my back and say “regrets don’t serve anyone… “ be so done with how they’ve made you hide.

And you probably wouldn’t be extreme

or all or nothing sounding…

you would have a calm steady peace of a tone… like a soothing melody.

You surely wouldn’t shame or cackle me with “well kid took ya long enough”

You would simply look through to my heart and say “I see you dear one… now turn and face fully sweet now…and …be still and KNOW you are —and all are —so very deeply loved.”

Ok…

Thank you Yesterday …

I’ll never know if I appreciated you enough, though,I love you with all my heart…

May I strive to embrace the good of Now and appreciate her gifts of Love …always …

Deep breath…

here I go…

taking a step …

with deepest hope …

And love…

And trust…

Thought by thought…

My heart with yours,

Tre ~

#spontaneous_poeming

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