I search for that feeling when
innocence was not a label, simply given…
I’m looking for that sense of home
I lived before lured by the quest for: ‘Do I belong?’
I’m seeking that stability
I once held before I succombed to ‘Does this — me — look okay?’
I’m not sure why I doubted the substance of me…
Yet, year after year rejections found me reinventing Tre…
It seems the way when convinced you’re living you right,
Many will gawk and squawk and gaze upon with looks of fright.
And it seemed I once remained unmoved…
Til year after year their gazes of disgust seemed to grow…
And then there was a time I declared, “Ah, pshaw!
To hell with them! I am woman, hear me roar!”
Only barely a squeak echoed from my throat
Too intimidated was I to stand side by side with that hope.
Hear me roar? No, really….though, it surely sounds good.
Instead, actually I felt battered to the core.
When ousted by many and at times even family,
and work says ‘not good enough, time to say goodbye…’
and then some odd jobs exist, yet only for a time…
and lovers say “No really let’s just be friends”
And when my home was sold they said “Just begin again…”
Here a city, there another wage, ever asking what will I do in these next miles
I’ve cocktailed and waitressed, housecleaned, even taught
I’ve published and blogged and volunteered in shelters and soup kitchens,
ever wondering what unique have I got?
I’ve sublet and rented and then even bought…
All for the wake up that most of the constant moving has been for naught
because I am finally understanding, though I thought I already knew…
what home and meaning are all about when sought in Truth…
And this is what I’m beginning to know:
there was nothing ever wrong with me no matter the who and how they told me so.
there was nothing ever wrong with me
nothing worthy of rejection, shunning, or ousting
for all I ever sought to do and be was LOVE UNABASHEDLY… and methinks that’s worth shouting!
Not hiding or apologizing for…
Not denying, or worse, storiing up to the thought attic to store
until that some distant someday when this and that are achieved
good goodness NO! Love doesn’t wait to accomplish more for it comprehends wholeness now as true being.
In truth we are meant to embody Love
And Love which ensures us won’t allow anything steal this journey we’re on
Love never ousts us, negates us, rejects us or even gawks at us..
when living the love we’re meant to exude fully?
others’ snares won’t even shock…
So I’ve come at long last finally to see…
And so I am embarking on a journey of “no more ‘I am sorry’ ”
To live this Love was I born to BE
The only way I know now how to be free….as…me, Tre.