I wanna push the pause button on all that’s said keep on
Because somewhere in the insisting
I kinda lost my song
I wanna tap the space bar on all that’s blared “your way is wrong!”
About how I choose to breathe be and create:
My left thumb and right pointer tapping keys to text words that voice my heart
I wanna tap the backspace
On all that hisses “you’re a mess! Professionals don’t stand with iphone tapping keys, making any space their office
any where their desk”
I wanna tap the back arrow and delete the opponents in thought
Who eek in and lure my attention
to consent to “Your womanhood is wrong!”
Several years ago
When forced to leave my then home
To survive that now
I tapped iphone keys to secure my own
Right to conscience
Right to reason
Right to life and being …
Perhaps to them I was worthy if discarding
But to me and my inner sense of life I was worth saving…
Back then the standing was
at rest stops along the freeways I drove
Searching for the next where
To secure my right to home…
I would not be annihilated no matter how much the force
Opposed my very existence
Even if it meant from all familiar divorce
Back then I tapped keys to journal
And stay mentally aware
Of the inability to extinguish
My innate and anyone’s yearning to love and live
And so those iphone keys
Enabled me search and find
Pet friendly short term or extended stays
As temporary housing for a time…
Upon the safari search page
I’d google whatever local establishments appeared
Long before facebook pages
I’d locate that days next where…
While I searched for housing
I’d advocate my worth
Insisting on my life’s now meaning
Refuting I was void of purpose…
Yet what I battled all along
while penning my prose back then
were the arguments that others do it better
and that my womanhood was false pretense
Each days penning then
became my thought revolution
advocating for Life that is
refuting all that lured me live
Yet even back then
I felt adamant about
What a woman oughta have
To believe she has true worth
And this is what I now see
I’ve been able to heal
All that pulls us insist
Wellbeing and worth needs this and this
Or
For purpose and position
We must live this very way
Infact such bulldozing supposed have to’s
made me not hear what my inner nudge was saying
And somewhere in the insisting I thought I had a goal
Something to feel proud of
Something to accomplish for sure
Yet amidst the must do now this way this how
Something shifted in me
I became a lot more harsh in my self talk and less my tender gentle loving me Tre
So now
I’m pushing the pause button stopping the onward march
Allowing myself to listen
And hear a more realistic approach
That refuses to outline each step and have it all mapped out just so
Or believes that doing so
Is the only way for sure
Sometimes we box ourselves in
Believing we’re doing life right
And then a major shift happens and in saving ourselves we are made to believe we got stalled massively or lost a ton of time..,
And this is why I’m being more gentle now instead of complete the onward march the way that seemed so it
For all the braving and surviving I did I’d be lying if I didn’t admit
I found a new way
To allow my heart hear its inner nudge
And allow that voice be shared without a whole lot of justification…
I know these mighty goals that seemed to be the only way
Of proving my life worthy
Are now only to me a few options
But not the only…
Indeed I’ll always wanna
Pen a biography
Of a life that’s always been a role model
In fact i’d love to do a documentary
But as fascinated I am
By the accomplishments of another
I will not be made to think I’m worth deleting
No matter how much the inner condemning says other
And that makes me smile indeed and feel even more free
Perhaps our day to day
At times need projects to pursue
But my heart to yours
The ongoing journey
Is the only project I’ve ever felt really able to stick to
I think we can become so blind thinking there’s something big
To accomplish and profess
As if we need big to justify our me
Couldn’t it feel huge
To see just how mighty love is
When we hault all false pretense
And allow ourselves breathe
So some are launching that
And others publishing those
And others have just begun
A work that will tour the globe
What of the moment by moment
We refuse to give consent
To believing we aren’t already good enough
What of refusing to play pretend?
Oh to stand and tap
Those keys continually
Advocating a worthy womanhood
Living a life unmasked and free
I’ll never know what I could have done if I didn’t take this pause now
But if it’s truly mine to do it will come again a louder wow
There’s so much I’m learning
As I pause and listen deeply within
And maybe nothing is paused at all
When we slow the emphatic insisting…
Here’s to listening
And to being wiling to respond to
what we hear
And even more allowing
Of how our inner nudge’s words appear…
We may even find
As we yearn to express what we are seeing
Keeping kn tapping keys to text
Is actually how we need be living
🙂
