Dear Mom….Will you forgive me?

Dear Mom….

I am so very very sorry.

You had the best of intentions.

You were on an exhilarating hike, enjoying your views and eager to share the vista of wonder with me.

You called and reached me in the midst of my writing..and yet I answered.

And as you dove into your excited sharings, I pained much…over missing you…over wishing we were sharing your birthday together…over a lot of things I haven’t said enough lately, like I love you.

And did I respond with childlike glee and wonder and enjoyment for your bliss?

Oh, that I wish I had.

Alas, instead, my ego took over the moment, steered the call and manipulated my words such that I pierced you with a statement of rigidity and obligatory actions in my wannabe attempt to ensure you’re respecting my independence:

“Mother, you’re interrupting me…I’m in the midst of my writing!”

I couldn’t believe I uttered these words but take them back it was too late.

I already crushed your childlike glee.

And don’t you know I’d just been writing about that very thing...how when we allow ourselves the wonder and spontaneous joy of play, we exude life and courage and rid ourselves of intimidation and worry.

Oh, how hypocritical and horrific I felt.

But it was too late.

Your disappointed shuttered voice sounded so frail, so apologetic, so shunned.

It was as if a child burst into an adult meeting to show off a fresh new finger painting with deep wonder and enthusiasm, yet is met abruptly by a very deep, very gruff scowl: “DON’T INTERRUPT. WE ARE VERY VERY BUSY HAVING AN IMPORTANT MEETING. Be GONE!

Momma?

Will you forgive me?

Will you forgive me that my ego manipulated my own childlike self, caused me to shun your innocent wonderous joy and barked back at you, your sweet childlike self, as if my now was more important than yours?

And will you forgive me of every such time I’ve acted like my now is more important than yours?

You amaze mother with your constant zest for life, your adventurous spirit, your determination to see the world.

Who are any of us to say or judge how another spends her time?

Who are any of us to shun or begrudge if someone chooses to share with us her joy over her right now?

We should all DROP EVERYTHING if an unexpected call of wonder and glee comes…especially if from our mothers….and celebrate WITH them…..joy and wonder in that moment WITH them…

If we’re closed to the appearing of spontaneous good from a phone call, how in the heck can we be open to possibilities of growth for ourselves for the long haul?

Momma, I was so wrong…and I am so sorry.

I can’t promise it won’t happen again, though I can assure you I will strive to embrace your spontaneous joy with welcome next time, and I so hope you will choose for there to be a next time. Please…let there be a next time.

(Oh how many barriers we indirectly cause for our lives by shunning the spontaneous wonder that comes unanticipated…oh to be more receptive and responsive to embracing such unplanned and unprepared good).

And mom, can we just pause and hug the fact that you are one courageous brave amazing woman to take off on these solo hikes of yours and venture the vistas that you do.

I want to see your imagined finger-paintings of those vistas momma. I want to see every little last detail through hearing your exhilarated description..Paint it mom. Big and beautiful. And lemme hear each detail so that it’s like I’m right there with you. Nothing will ever be more important when you choose to call and share your now with me spontaneously, exuberantly, innocently.

But mom? How bout the next one we share together in person…steada via phone calls and headphones and all things digital.

Nothing will ever replace sharing together time, truly, and I’m long overdue for giving you that.

We will celebrate that birthday of yours!

I promise…..

Love you momma…..so…so much….