- Image by selva via Flickr
What would happen if we started sharing the dialogue that goes on in our thoughts toward ourselves about our choices and behaviors?
Ya think we’d hear:
“Way to go! Awesome!”
“You’re gonna really get this down.”
“You rock for trying.”
“Way to go for getting through this!”
My sense is we’d hear way more internal dialogue that sounds like this:
“You’re such an idiot.”
“You suck.”
“How could you be so stupid?”
“You keep effing up again and again and again.”
“Of course it was your fault. Forget that THAT happened. You caused it.”
Methinks we’d hear volumes more shame, blame, guilt and condemning than we’d hear praise, kudos or verbal hugs for our footsteps.
Not sure the why exactly, and quite honestly I don’t care. Call it our perfectionist culture. Call it our all or nothing make or break society.
For whatever the reason, I know that I’ve suffered decades of self condemning.
Hear me on that?
Not days, not weeks, decades.
And yet…I know that bit by bit as I encounter what heals, it matters.
The bashing lessens, the abusive behavior engaged in out of reacting ceases, and a greater tolerance, patience, and compassion results.
Now surely I’m not 24/7 proud of myself. Like hardly.
And surely I’m not so full of myself I don’t know when I can barely breathe.
And most definitely there are things that intimidate the heck outa me. Even now. Even as much as I’ve challenged myself to grow.
But.
I know how to get out of it almost as soon as it ensues.
And that’s why I wanna offer some help in this post.
Because I used to stay completely numb in that mode of self condemning and worse, I used to abuse myself horribly as a way out of it. You name it for obsessive behaviors and hurting myself, most likely sure I did it.
And that was no way to live.
So here’s what I want to offer when you find yourself condemning yourself..even if it’s not perpetual or everyday or constant.
Blame and shame and guilt paralyze thinking.
They’re not motivators of earnest and genuine flare.
At best they’re make us feel punished and if we act from that standpoint, it’s not good.
Punishments don’t ever retrain a behavior and can never redirect genuinely the internal scolding we engage in.
Instead, we need to take specific steps in thought to stop the pull to condemn, blame, accuse, shame, guilt ourselves.
Why?
Because condemning is a habit.
No matter how much we sob there’s no way we’d ever choose to put ourselves through that much hell.
It’s a habit.
And habits can be broken.
And bad habits that hurt us can too.
I’ve got a bunch of ways that help me stop the condemning. Too much to pour into one post.
But what I’ll offer is this: If you want help beyond just this post, please be in touch.
Self condemning can stop.
So for the now, here’s a few things that help me:
1. Set Parameters
When I find myself bashing myself over something I set parameters of time for tolerating this behavior.
“Okay Tre you can take five minutes on this if you really need to. But after 5 minutes, we’re moving on.”
Giving myself permission to go at it in my thoughts gives me permission to get it out there and that seems to help.
Think of this as telling a toddler to go ahead and scream for 5 minutes.
It gives you permission to let it out.
2. Have Compassion
Here’s the thing.
The part of us that thinks we’ve messed up or thinks we keep messing up is not the whole part.
It’s only part of us.
And often the condemning ourselves is over something that we only think is some grave mistake.
Sometimes it’s over inaction because we don’t know — or don’t think we know — what next step to take.
Compassion means we’re tender with our now.
That we’ll save the world and climb Mt. Everest and scoop up all the orphans of the world and mommy them…tomorrow.
But that for today or tonight or whenever we’re stuck in bashing ourselves, we’ll have compassion and be tender with ourselves.
It’s like hugging our heart.
3. Give Forgiveness
Even though we may have vowed to stop bashing ourselves the last time, here we are again stuck doing it.
It’s okay.
We are aware.
We are alert.
And we are addressing it.
Forgiving ourselves gives us permission to grow.
And more? It will prevent reacting out of anger or tolerating shame, blame, or guilt.
4. Breathe
Because we matter. Because we’re a canvas that’s being painted and a sculpture that’s being sculpted.
And whatever the ‘it’ is, we are growing and will get passed it.
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If you were watching a toddler learn how to lace and tie his shoes for the first time would you yell at him and call him an idiot if he messed up?
No.
Okay.
3 weeks later same toddler. Would you yell at him if he fumbled and didn’t do it right even though he was really getting it down?
No.
What about a year later.
He rocks now. Can tie shoes without messing up but does. Ties a knot. And actually starts to cry.
Gonna beat him up with yelling?
Let’s hope not.
We don’t dare.
We love him and adore his every single solitary effort.
Kay.
So we maybe haven’t ever given ourselves compassion and nurtured our footsteps.
But we can try.
Even if we don’t think it’s possible, we can try.
Here to help support your footsteps however you need.
Here’s to being gentle and not beating ourselves up.
