“But what if…I’m wrong?”
Hmm.
“Can I sit with that possibility?”
No more than a few seconds passes with the thought…of sitting with the possibility that perhaps I’m wrong….
and up appears another question:
“What if the yearning is right but the how I’m choosing to express it outwardly is ‘wrong?’ ”
“Can I sit with that possibility?…that on one hand the pull is ‘right’ but the how I choose to express that pull is ‘wrong.’ ”
But…
Just as before.
No more than a few seconds pass with that question than another one enters the scene of thought:
“Why is there a right and a wrong? What if none of it is right or wrong but just is. What then. What will you do?”
But that one? Probably because it’s so raw…so refreshing…is hard for me to fathom.
So thought goes back to judgment.
“What if I’m wrong?”
Hang on.
That’s too painful. Right?
I mean my existence isn’t wrong.
My being isn’t wrong.
Is it?
What if it is?
No that’s foolish.
I’m here.
I know I matter.
So be gentler.
Back up.
Ponder this:
“What if the question “What if I’m wrong?” is a hurdle?…a bump in the road?”
“What if it’s positing itself to trip you up? stall the forward movement?”
I continue talking to myself:
“Think back…..
Picture climbing the tree.
Did you ever ask ‘What if I do it wrong?’ ”
“Nope.
You jumped up on the first branch you could grasp and hold onto.
And you climbed.
And you fell. Often. and hard.
But you started again.
And maybe you didn’t cling to that branch where you lost your grasp.
And maybe you did you just clung stronger.
But you never didn’t climb out of fear you might be wrong to want to climb.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’m asking a lot of deep questions here because I think I’m onto something.
If we judge our yearnings and fathom for a moment that they might be wrong, how can we breathe?
I want to offer this:
If there is a deep yearning within, and it keeps coming, let it.
Don’t shut it up.
Don’t judge it.
Don’t condemn it.
It’s your baby.
You would (I hope and pray) no more take an infant and drop it off on the side of the road than you should allow one moment of shunning to an innermost yearning.
But it demands courage and conviction.
Why.
Because I guarantee you: this yearning does not show up in anyone you know.
And you will not get anyone’s validation from the depths of where you really need it.
The only validation you will ever get is in your quiet stillness where you are honestly staring at your heart’s yearning and saying “Okay. I’m gonna let you in.”
Allowing yourself to let that yearning breathe?
Probably the hardest thing you will ever do.
But guess what?
It has everything to do with being true to you.
Welcome home.