Looking to Build Meaningful Relationships On and Offline? How ’bout Lookin’ Within

Lately I’ve pondered much about building meaningful relationships on and offline.

In one day, here’s a sampling of a few conversations about building relationships I learn from tweets:

• Seth Godin calls the social media networking a ‘giant cocktail party’ and advises cultivating relationships of trust and meaning (@armano’s tweet)
  
• Krystal explains why she canceled her facebook account once and for all (@mikerbrt’s tweet).
• Adam Cohen blogs “Social Media’s Support for Caroline” about how a group of facebook friends and twitter followers rev up awareness of a missing girl (#Caroline) and she’s located within 24 hours of her disappearance(@adamcohen’s tweet).
• Denise Tanton introduces BlogHer’s latest social networking tools: My BlogHer and Chatter (@elisac’s tweet).

In that same day, I trace my recent patterns in relationship building.

• I continue to make up excuses for getting together with a few acquaintances. I blame the freezing weather. Truth is I’m still rebuilding myself.

• I experience last minute-shy-syndrome 🙂 and don’t attend a local twestival while I stay tuned into twitter conversations about twestivals all over the globe. Later I realize I missed an opportunity to build some practical local relationships.

• I find out a huge surprise birthday party was planned / given to my mom (who lives 3 hours plane trip away). I neither know about the party nor received any phone call invitation. Someone missed an opportunity to include family.

• I find out someone close to my heart has been imprisoned–and I wasn’t even remotely aware he was struggling. I feel like I should have been there more for this person…somehow. At least I wish I’d been there.

I’m being  honest and open in this post because while there’s gobs of discussions about what kind of relationships we should strive to build with others, I have not read much about what to me is a vital piece of this: exploring the kind of relationship you have with yourself and those closest to you.

For me, being honest with myself and willing to take a deep look at how I live life, what kind of contributions I’m making in my sphere of  humanity–these are crucial factors to consider as I build and further meaningful, lasting relationships with others.

I have to examine the following:

• What is my motive for living a life of meaning?
• What do I hope to contribute to the betterment of humanity?
• How will my relationships help this endeavor?

While I may not always have the answers, I know that each and every moment I strive to live the best me I know how: I seek to be honest with my thoughts, understand my limits and define my needs. I seek to comprehend how to tolerate diversity and how I can as one person have a positive impact on the environment.

In all of my relationships, I see these as relating my ‘self’ to and with others. So I must look at my motives:

• How am I embracing my family and relatives, my neighbors, my colleagues, my mentors?
• Do I seek to really listen to what another is saying?
• Do I seek to grow from another individual’s sense of right?
• How can I maintain my own sense of right and my own standards and be open to another’s view, even when I disagree with it, provided it is not harming another?

The more unselved my motives in the relating, the more I end up learning from another.

The times when I’ve been more self absorbed thinking about what I can get from someone those have resulted in the most empty relationships with very little meaning.

Couple years ago, I invited folks to have a book discussion. We opted to sit outside, was such a pleasant day.

During the discussion, a homeless man approached us and asked for some change.

Of course we were in the midst of a discussion.

But one of the group turned and barked at him so loudly I can still feel the chill I felt.

“Excuse me, don’t you see we are in a discussion. You are interrupting us. Leave us alone.”

Hiss, snarl, snare.

This man stopped looking at the one barking resistance.

His eyes turned to me.

Maybe he sensed I was approachable. Maybe my facial expression showed my disgust with the reaction just barked at him.

I interrupted. I paused our conversation and handed this man a couple bucks.

The group dismantled with the gruff one barking “he’s just gonna go buy booze with that money.”

Our book discussion was about a book whose content addresses how to be a better contributor to building a better world.

In that precious moment when all of us had the very opportunity right in front of us, something was lost.

A sense of humanity. A sense of compassion. A sense of forgiveness.

But I didn’t care that this man smelled, hadn’t bathed in who knows how long. He looked hungry. Lost. Afraid. And yet. HE HAD THE COURAGE TO APPROACH US.

Who am I to shun that courage?

Interesting to note: the man I gave the few bucks to bought a bottle of water and a snack, not booze. I watched him.

Circling back: Caring about the kinds of relationships we’re building absolutely matters. But it’s the very individuality you are living that will determine the kinds of relationships you build.

If you are a members only, alive with your own ego and proud of it kinda person, you may find tons of followers of like minds but you well may emit an odor of self interest, exclusivity, top-down-ness. And this wall can be detected by lots of genuine hearts and minds.

If you are walking around embracing the quality of each man, woman, and child no matter what his/her economic, social, political background, your genuineness will be seen, felt, sought after.

To me it comes down to asking yourself not just what kind of relationships am I building but this:

• What kind of world am I striving to create?
• How do I see my role in this world?
• What kind of individual am I being everywhere?–not just online or at home but EVERYWHERE?

I know for me,  the more authentic and honest I am with myself, the more I exude these qualities outwardly, the more I attract like minds on and offline. But I am certain I have miles to grow. I have to overcome even still fears of the unknown, and keep on keeping on.

For example, I need to just show up and meet with these local acquaintances instead of waiting til I feel a bit more ‘put together.’ True friends understand self growth and the commitment to making yourself a better you. And more, true friends want to witness this process.

Additionally, I realize now I should have just gone to the twestival and met the local folks that had worked so hard to put it together.

As far as my mom’s birthday celebration, I could have checked in a bit more about plans for my mom’s birthday (inspite of how she and I had already spoken about celebrating at a later point when I come down to visit).

And as for the loved one that’s in prison, I’ve since learned I can send him a letter and intend to do so, simply to stay connected.

Surely, if I hope to perpetuate and create anew relationships that stay the coarse and last indefinitely, this self-awareness and self-knowledge can only help me better myself and thus bring a more ‘whole’ me to the relationships I have at present and those I intend to build.

So, what do you think? What’s worked for you in being honest with yourself, in cultivating greater self awareness and recognizing your strengths and weaknesses? And how has doing so helped you build relationships on foundations of integrity, compassion, and the stuff that matters?

Eager to hear…

Til next post, be well.