Aching over losin’ him (or her)…

This morning while walking my dog, I thought about a conversation I had with a close friend recently.
“I can’t lose him, Tre. I don’t know how I’d live without him.”

She spoke of a boyfriend who recently told her he didn’t see a future for them. She was heartsick because she thought for certain that he was ‘the one.’ Her words were all too familiar and reminded me of a time when I feared the same ache.

I comforted my friend as best as words would allow at that moment. I held her hands, hugged her close and said to her, “You know, divine Love never rejects you, never says goodbye, never walks out that door toward something supposedly more wonderful. You can never be separated from that Love honey. Why? Because you are it’s very expression. And that alone is completing you right this moment.”

She looked back at me with genuine receptivity. And then she voiced another all too familiar concept. “But Tre…..I don’t wanna end up alone. I want a marriage, I want children. I want to be a wife and a mother.”

At that moment, I knew that words could only comfort so much. And so I offered to pray and support her (I practice Christian Science healing as a profession) and she agreed.

It’s a familiar feeling to many: this concept that what we desire to have we must go out and find. And that without a significant other, we will be left alone without the things we very much want: marriage, parenthood, the experience of family.

But, at best, this mortal view of life—that the things we cherish are externals outside of us–will find us experiencing emotional ups and downs—joys when we have certain ‘things,’ sorrow when those ‘things’ are removed.

Yet, in truth, all we ever yearn for is within—because what we are hoping for is the qualities those ‘things’ represent. The key is in figuring out what is the essence of the thing hoped for and then learning how to cultivate this essence in your life.

Now bare with me. I hear so many reading this gawking, ‘Hey woman, there ain’t no way I include a husband or a wife within me. I’ve gotta go out and find him/her.”

I hear you. And I know that’s what I used to think for a really long time. But trust me when I offer this: to the degree you strive to really take a look inwardly at what that socalled ‘exterior’ thing represents and wrap your mental arms around what you’re really desiring, you’re gonna see that what you desire you already have the means to express. And by actively expressing this wholeness and completeness, there’s no telling the joy and fulfillment your life will begin to experience. Or what you will draw unto you.

A favorite author, Mary Baker Eddy, discusses it this way in Science and Health:
“Metaphysics resolves things into thoughts and exchanges the objects of sense for the ideas of soul.”(p. 269:9) And she asserts “Man is the image of Love; he is not physique. He is the compound idea of God, including all right ideas;” (p. 475:13-15).

So I pray a lot with this concept: that man is already spiritual, including all right ideas. And I seek to define what that ‘object of sense’ I’m desiring really is—and I work in thought to defend that I already include it. And in my work, I do the same for others.

Take for example this deep yearning for a husband and marriage my friend desired. Surely, in its deepest sense, the husband she yearns for is a sense of constant companioning, assured security, a guaranteed mutually reciprocated expression of love, a constant source of comfort, support, and friendship.

Pause for a moment and consider this: ya think those are pure concepts to desire?
Surely, absolutely. Sharing our lives is one of the most natural expressions of our being.

But pause again and consider this: does she—does ANYONE—need to wait another moment to feel ‘companioned’? …assured security? …perpetual reciprocity of love?
No, not for a single ‘nother moment….

Why?

Because the source of that love being sought is not in another person. The source of the love we already possess is divine, the very substance of our being.

How?

Because in a very tangible way, each one of us—our true nature and essence—is the expression of the Divine Love that is God.

Right this moment you and I are the idea of God, Love, and right this very moment, each one of us includes all the love we could ever possibly need or want to share.

So how is that true if you’re feeling empty, alone, afraid, or your life is not partnered with a spouse or significant other?
Because you share a perpetual, eternal relationship with God, the very core of your being.

What’s needed then isn’t to go out and ‘find’ anyone really.
What’s needed is to defend this relationship, that your relationship to the divine is active, alive, prosperous and that nothing can make you unaware of the love that is already pouring forth all that you will ever need. As you do this, not only will you find yourself feeling more complete, but opportunities to express this will occur as well.

“But how’s doing what you’re talking about gonna guarantee he/she sticks around? How’s this type of prayer gonna change his/her mind. I don’t wanna lose him/her.’

Okay. I hear you. And I sooooo know what you’re feeling.

But pause and open thought up a bit more:
The guy …or the gal….is not NOT what you are really yearning for.
This is maybe the toughest things I’ve had to learn, especially when I really, REALLY think that one guy is hands down the one I wanna partner with for the rest of my life.

It’s NOT about him.
It’s NOT about her.

No one person is slated for us… ‘meant’ or ‘destined’ to be ours.
None of us possess another….we never have….we never will.

What you are drawn to, what you are wanting to companion with forever are the qualities you adore and are attracted to in that precious one.

But the guy or the gal—they are not the source of those qualities.

I know…..I hear you saying ‘But I love him. I don’t wanna live without him.’ Just as my friend cried on my shoulder…just as I’ve felt so much about a certain one.

But open thought a bit more: It’s not ‘the him’ or ‘the her’ you are wanting.
It’s what they are living—expressing—being—and how you are responding to that.

Get it down to qualities. You ALREADY—right now, this very moment, possess the qualities you are attracted to in this dear one you love.

In a very tender way, you are being cared for, supported and loved right this very moment. And even though it may feel that you’re about to lose or did lose someone you didn’t want to live without, what is right for someone’s journey can not deplete us of an ounce of good or love.

To be sure…..God, divine Love, the source and essence of your existence, is already outpouring to you all the Love you will ever need. And as you cultivate an awareness of this, you will feel a sense of oneness and completeness. You will be able to open your thought and heart up to sharing with whomever is currently in your life and whoever will continue along with you and whoever you have yet to meet.

This absolutely about cultivating a life practice that seeks to defend and prove how much you are already loved, companioned, secured, protected, adored, complete.

Everything we seek from a sense of pure honest motives, is already a part of our lives. What’s needed isn’t someone or something. What’s needed is to cultivate an awareness of the fullness of what our being already includes right now.
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There was a time in my life I was an emotional desert. Someone I deeply loved and shared some of the truest exchanges of companionship I’d ever known felt convinced he needed to move on. His decision was so shocking and horrifying to me I think I stayed numb for well over a year. Life without ‘him’ was unfathomable. I’ve never cried so much in my life….and less over the guy, more out of how empty I felt without that significant presence to share with day in and day out.

Truth: I think in ways I’m still healing from that pain. But this I know: when I’m authentic and honest with myself: I will always love that one…and I will always yearn for the best for him. BUT, I’ve seen how much of what I loved and adored about him were the qualities and essence of my life that his nature drew out. And I’ve learned how to ‘be’ the Tre I was around him without his constant presence in my life…And the only way I’ve learned how to do this is through digging deep into my thoughts and really asking ‘Hey Tre, what is it that you’re really desiring to partner with? What is it about him you really cherished? How are these essences already a part of your being? How are you already loved?”

Daily I’ve defended my completeness and how much I’m already loved by God and how much my life is already an expression of this love. And while there’s not currently another ‘one’ that I’m companioning with, there are many. ? And I’m not meaning I’m dating a ton of guys. What I’m meaning is I’m finding ways to share my love with others in ways that really feeds me. And I know full well that if my journey is meant to include more of an intimate sharing with someone, that will be there. But without that right now, I’m no longer feeling empty or alone or afraid or worse, unloved.

So I hear you. I know what it feels like to so wanna partner with one person in particular. And to you I say hold on….hold onto your heart…dive deep within to defend the oneness or inseparable relationship you already share with divine Love. And seek to live out the essence you think you’re pining for. You are this moment already complete, fully loved, companioned and wedded to joy, strength, courage, honesty, purity, intelligence, and love. Live these. Really live this essence.

And if you wanna talk more about how to pray for yourself to feel this wholeness or if you wanna talk more about how I can pray for you to feel this sense, just send me a comment.

You are more than okay. You are complete..this moment…through and through.

Sending you heaps of love and hope and joy, Tre