She raced from the golf-cart into the store for their closeout sale, hoping to find some bargains. “Makes sense,” I voiced out loud in an effort to silence that voice within that argued she didn’t need any more clothes and surely didn’t need to be doing this now, not on Mother’s Day, not when I’d flown in unannounced to see her.
I reminded myself that I had surprised her, that it was natural for her to go about her routines just as she would if I wasn’t there. But this line of reasoning wasn’t working. Watching her run to find that ‘must have,’ I felt somewhat abandoned, and quite frankly, kinda bummed.
Although I’d landed 48 hours prior, we had yet to really share a meaningful one to one. Between my efforts to accompany her to already scheduled commitments, to carving out solo moments for my own work, I hadn’t realized I was wanting some heart to heart sharing, not until that moment. I guess I’d become so accustomed to just ‘doing what mom does’ when i come down to visit. But I was beginning to think ‘us time’–real mutual sharing, probably wasn’t gonna happen. I drifted into that familiar yet uncomfortable sense of being a peripheral, extended piece of her life, part of the background scenery, there for the view.
My thoughts clamored:
“I don’t get it. I fly in, expect to share some solid mother/daughter moments, and she’s ditching me for shopping. She has yet to ask me anything about me. What the heck! Why do I bother?” The little girl in me cried out for comfort. The adult woman in me exploded in self justification. Neither voice soothed. I wanted out.
Walking toward the bougainvilla bushes, while I gazed at their petals’ magenta hues, I began to pray. I sought to feel the actual presence of divine Love, God, and my inseparable bond with this Love. Whenever I prayed, I was able to calm down and cultivate an awareness of God’s being. Not much else heals the deep void I feel if I feel empty, alone, disconnected, or a part of someone’s peripherals. It’s something I’ve been doing for a while now, ever since I began studying the ideas in Science and Health, by Mary Baker Eddy , a book I recommend to anyone interested in learning how to make spirituality practical.
So, as I was able, I took a long pause and made myself get still. And then, just as you’d go and clean out a closet or sort the dirty clothes, I dug deep into my thoughts to sift out all that bantered and argued..you know, the ‘me stuff muck’:
“Why is she doing this to ME?”
“Why isn’t she asking ME anything about my life?”
“Why does she always make ME feel invisible?”
Now from an objective view, anyone observing my mother’s actions would not be concluding ‘oh that poor woman. Her mother went shopping, how horrible, and just left her there, what a neglectful mother.’
So as I prayed, I aimed to squelch, all this ‘me stuff muck.’
I knew that even amidst a scenario where I felt wronged, I was at that moment being loved, cared for, nurtured, upheld. The divine consciousness that each one of us exists within never bounds off, never abandons or neglects, not for the slightest moment. I defended that since I was an idea of this divine Mind, or God, I could express compassion instead of anger, understanding instead of frustration, forgiveness instead of resentment. In fact, this more divine nature was my inherent right to defend and prove every moment, day in and day out. I had every right to fight off any sense of self–the ‘me stuff muck’ that robbed my connectedness to this all presence of the divine. And in turn, I could right at that moment feel valued, supported, worthy, needed. In short, I could feel “mothered” right there, standing by the bougainvillas.
The more I prayed, the more I saw that neither one of us, nor anyone really, can fall victim to the blaring arguments of self and human ego. My awareness of the presence of Love can not be fipped upside down and me made to feel frustrated, alone, or empty. Such claims are not coming from God’s view. Instead, the more I strive to feel the presence of Love and let that fill my thoughts, all opposing feelings dissipate. And with it, gone is all sense of neglect, feeling invisible, and resentment toward my mom.
I was thrilled actually for this calm knowing. In fact, I found such a sense of peace as I really looked at the tropical foliage surrounding me—balmy palm trees, bougainvilla bushes, bursting blooms of birds of paradise. The beauty of this natural oasis reminded me of the very real and tangible proofs of God’s motherin’ me…always.
In that very instant of feeling peace, I heard ‘Honey, I miss you! I don’t need to shop. I just wanna be with you.” Maybe 10 minutes passed since she’d gone into the store. And the next thing I knew, she peeled around the corner in the golf cart, told me to jump in, and we headed off into the rest of our afternoon.
Now surely I’m not saying that my prayer made my mother drop her agenda. But I am saying this spiritual reasoning healed my sense of feeling alone and rejected and it filled me with compassion for my mother which healed my sense of willful resentment toward her.
“The good in human affections must have ascendancy over the evil and the spiritual over the animal, or happiness will never be won.” (Science and Health, p. 61: 4) While simply a brief glimpse of the impact of this kind of praying, Mary Baker Eddy’s words in Science and Health are a constant nudge to keep me striving to carve out my oneness with God.
So this endeavor to dive into thought, sift through all the ‘me stuff muck’ and carve out ‘us time’ with the divine consciousness not only made me feel mothered right at the moment I needed to, but once again proved to have a huge impact on my day. I was reminded yet again how doable it is to ‘mother me.’ 🙂
If you want to discuss this article further or have any questions about the ideas I’ve presented, just email a comment and we can dialogue further that way.
‘Til the next sharing, enjoy your journey….thought by thought.
Much peace and be well, Tre ?