- Image by Peter Baer via Flickr
We’ve all lost our patience before.
And we’ve felt that regret afterward.
Maybe a ton of justification too, but the regret none the less that wishes we hadn’t lost it.
And then we maybe even go so far to give ourselves some kind of strategy to not react or to react differently, for when there’s a next time.
But hey, we’re human. And sometimes that ‘next time’ involves a completely different set of circumstances and a completely different set of people.
And we well may lose our patience yet again.
So is there any guaranteed strategy to help us prepare for that inevitable next time? to keep us calm and steady on and ensure we won’t lose our patience and go bazerk?
Well I think there is….and for me, what’s helped me tons is to start with the little ways that try to trigger a negative reaction…all the things that pull and lure me to complain or criticize or even moan and groan.
Because let’s face it, every moment we’re making a choice regarding how we’re going to respond.
And if we’re already in a flowing expression of our choice to exude calm, it’s more difficult to rattle or disturb or unsettle that conscious choice of calm than it is if we’re just going about our moments without that intention.
And yet, still, even given a very calm afternoon, something can occur which rattles us and challenges us and insists we react.
So what then?
Well, lemme share what happened to me yesterday and I’ll walk you through how I was thinking and what I chose to feel and respond with:
While outside sitting on the lawn in front of my apartment, brushing my dog’s hair, the manager of the next door neighboring building came out and started yelling at me.
My foot was on her building’s ‘yard’ and she said I either had to move all the way to my side of the lawn or get off ‘the lawn’ entirely.
With that, no hesitation, she took the hose and began spraying me, directly, without stopping.
Angry?
Upset?
Violated?
Annoyed?
Beyond. Yes. Yes. and Yes.
I didn’t want to move because I knew I’d lose it and start yelling.
She kept hosing me. So sitting there wasn’t really a practical option either.
But I sat there. I sat there and just worked in those moments to calm my utter shock and inner upheaval because I felt so violated.
I looked over at her and she moved the hose to the rest of the yard.
But she aimed it back at me two more times.
While collecting my thoughts, I felt that tug of war: I felt victimized and robbed of a sweet quiet moment with my dog.
He was soaking wet from her spraying us, it was so wrong.
As soon as I noticed him soaking, I shifted completely out of myself and immediately turned to him to get him comfortable.
But the outrage continued to blare in my thoughts.
And then, while toweling off the dog I felt a fourth spray.
I turned around and stepped out of the water and insisted in a firm tone, “ENOUGH.”
She immediately responded by pointing the hose in a different direction.
“That was some progress” I thought.
But I was still feeling shocked and angered.
So I sat back down to collect my thoughts (I’ve learned with me, if I storm off, the anger builds).
I remembered the fact that right that moment I could choose if I would allow her disposition to ‘trespass’ on mine, invade it, interrupt it and manipulate my attitude.
I’d been enjoying the quiet, having a calm afternoon in the warm sun with my dog and during those moments, felt no animosity or anger.
I felt no possessiveness nor control. I simply felt joy while brushing my dog.
Now–in less than 5 minutes — post hose attack–I felt this pull to perpetuate feeling enraged, and justifying it. After all, her action was an extreme violation.
And this is where the choice was most essential.
If I chose anger or annoyance, I’d actually be allowing her attitude, her mindset, to dictate mine, to ‘trespass’ if you will on my prior peace.
And here’s where was the critical choice: I don’t want to allow anyone or anything or anyone else’s attitude to have that power over mine.
But even seeing that, I felt this constant “but how dare she?”
So I definitely spent a few moments using my ‘mommy voice” to calm my hurt little girl. But I reminded her that her joy is not dependent on this woman’s attitude.
And more, emotions do not have to interrupt expressions of our individuality.
None of us ever have to be adversely affected by someone else’s mood swings or emotional upheavals–though it takes a great deal of practice and concerted effort to not be affected.
But that was my choice in that moment: to forbid my disposition from falling into that pit of despair, emptiness and hurt.
So I thwarted off those pulls and continued on playing with my dog and then gradually moved him inside.
In thinking about this woman, I’ve noticed that she’s often taking extraordinary care of the yard in front of her building. She keeps everything meticulous and her flowers look professionally landscaped.
I calmed down by focusing on those qualities of hers, albeit easier to do now that I was indoors.
I don’t know what may have occurred in her past to forge such a mental barrier between herself and others, but it’s not a natural inclination and she surely doesn’t have to stay imprisoned.
The incident itself was unfortunate, surely, but in shifting my thought, I was able to regain my calm.
Staying angry with her would only have caused me discomfort and unsettledness in my thoughts.
Would I have preferred the incident not happen at all?
Most definitely.
But even in the midst, I was able to refrain from outrage or outburst.
And that mattered a great deal to me.
Because it’s not so long ago that I would have probably grabbed the hose out of her hand and started spraying her down, even though she is very senior. (I know sounds horrible, huh?). And I would have felt justified and entitled, the ammunition of our ego fully engaged.
So for me, my triumph was in forbidding her attitude to trespass on my thoughts indefinitely.
And for me that was what mattered so much.
So how bout you?
How are you managing that pull to lose patience and outburst?
What do you find works for you when you feel violated?
Do share…..would value hearing 🙂
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