Thought by thought . . .

It was another bleek rather rainy dreery day. I felt exhausted from the quest for housing. I wanted out. And so I did what I’ve always done when I need an ‘out.’ I jumped into my car to head outa dodge.

‘Cept this time, one turn and a few moments later I’m stuck in a ton of traffic going nowhere, and rather slowly at that. Trapped, frustrated, angered, pressured, you name it. If it’s negative, I felt it. Everything about my life at that moment seemed hard, nothing felt simple. And this total conviction Y O U A R E SO STUCK pleaded my buy-in.

YET, at that moment aware of the pull to consent to this drama, I resisted it. Been there done that is no small expression when you know that consenting to the drama will result in depression and emptiness. Nope. Not this afternoon. Not today. I am making progress I thought. In the places that matter. In thought.

As soon as I could, I took a side street and bee-lined it back to my studio. I’d driven all of about 3 blocks yet my thought were miles away from where there were when I started.

This actual decision not to run but to find my sense of peace amidst all that would try to convince me of being stuck–this step was a huge shift.

I parked the car and headed to the laundry-mat to do what I’d been neglecting all week–my laundry.

With each step and with each moment in that laundry mat, I knelt down in my thoughts and just grabbed hold of my heart.

We do our best moment to moment as much as we are able. But there are times when even our best can feel like we too are going nowhere slowly. In those moments, I find it vital to refuse to give consent to the blatant arguments that try to convince you that you’re not making any progress, not getting any closer to your goals or not doing anything you’d hoped to in order to be productive with your life.

More than my clothes were cleaned that next hour. My whole sense of self was cleansed, if you will. I just got into those thoughts of mine and rooted out each and every last negative one, each and every shunning, denouncing, ridiculing accusation. I knew in my heart of hearts that my innocent longings and my determined expectations are in fact moving me forward and that at times stumbling blocks occur and maybe set us off track for a bit. But by no means do the setbacks have to last long.

In the few moments after calming down and meditating and finding my peace, I looked up to see a woman seated on the ground writing. I yearned to know what she penned. But she was so engrossed I hesitated to interrupt her. In another moment she looked up, smiled and said hello. Turns out that simple acknowledgment resulted in another hour of conversation. She’s a neighbor and spends her down time writing poetry.

Before parting, we’d agreed to start a writing group and create a vehicle for holding ourselves accountable to our own writing practice.

Why do I share these details?

In short, with the shift not to run, not to drive off into the abyss of seeming better unobstructed life out there outside my studio, in the momentary commitment to my now, not only did I calm down and find the nurturing steady care for myself I needed, but so too did I begin to build a friendship with a neighbor, both of which elements grounding me and proving that my life is doing more than budding. Perhaps it’s on the cusp of budding and blooming in full.

To be sure one of my biggest weaknesses is impatience, especially when I’m passionate about a goal. I want it accomplished tomorrow or better still by midnight. The more I’m learning to not allow emotional outbursts steer my footsteps, the more I’m realizing the reality that life progresses moment by moment and our very choices each moment really do matter and can have a lasting positive productive impact.

In those earlier moments in traffic, I chose to not let anger and frustration rule my actions. I made a conscious decision to get still and be humbled. And the result was a very peaceful, tender, nurturing afternoon…that budded fresh laundry and a new acquaintance.