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So it’s Monday after the holiday and I’m writing today to share a bit of the why behind why I opted to spend it on my own.
And while a few of you may accuse me of being selfish or inconsiderate, a few more of you may nod with me and maybe even wish you’d given yourselves similar permission.
And it’s for that possibility I want to offer this:
This Christmas, I gave myself permission to spend the holiday on my own.
Translation: I consciously chose not to spend it with my mother.
Breathe. Pause.
As I type, I’m sitting at my computer, in my sweats, in the aftermath of the holiday.
No tree, no presents, no décor. (That’s her thing).
No hurried rush rush last minute book a flight obligatory madness craze out of “must go see mom because you know, it’s the right thing to do.” (that’s my ‘old’ thing).
Breathe.
Why did I choose this?
Well of course I’m a selfish, relentless, ungrateful daughter who wants to ruin her mother’s holiday.
No, of course not. Though I’ve been accused of such, it is not that.
I chose to celebrate the holiday in my cozy nook with my candles aglow and my thoughts unencumbered, open to possibility because…
On December 14, 2009, just a few days ago, I turned 41.
And I decided it’s time to let go the decades of guilt and frustration that I’m not the daughter “she” wants me to be.
Pause. Breathe.
It’s time to stop punishing myself.
It’s time to stop feeling saddened or sorry that the who I am appears inadequate to her.
And it’s beyond time I give myself permission to think I’d be able to dodge the comments, ignore the sneers, or exist under the regime of the way things are when you return home playing a role that you can’t ever play honestly, yet trying to save face because that’s the ‘what I’m supposed to do.”
Beyond done with thinking that choices I’ve made out of obligation–or not wanting to hurt her– serve me.
They haven’t. They don’t. I need a new way.
Pause…Breathe.
But here’s the truth:
I love my mother, truly. Yet, I don’t know what I need or want from our relationship anymore. And so I’m taking a huge major pause to just breathe.
There’s a few things I know for sure:
In my attempts to show up and make sure her holiday or her whatever goes as she wants it to, I put myself on autopilot just to ‘deal’ or ‘cope.’ And that’s never healthy for me. In fact, it’s like self imposed suffocation.
I know we can only impact how we choose to respond to someone’s actions, as we can’t make them change.
But I’ve not nurtured myself enough. And autopilot mode just to save face does not lead toward healing. Ever.
That’s where I am this holiday season.
I know I’m at a place where, while I hope for healing, there’s still a lot of memory that hasn’t been forgotten.
It is difficult to forget constant criticism, the constant “Why aren’t you married by now? Or , “why haven’t you provided me with my next career as your children’s grandmother?”
That indirect blame and guilt and shunning is really her own voicing her emptiness, her fear of the unknown. She was brought up thinking by now she’d be a grandmother to her daughter’s children.
And none of my choices would heal that. And I know this.
But hearing her constant wishing my life were different is still painful for me…not because I can’t take criticism. And this is the kicker: It’s painful for me because I ache to know my mother is hurting in any way and I want to heal that.
Yet, I know that I must let go my desire to personally hold responsibility to fill up my mother’s heart and give her a way to self fulfillment.
I know that no matter what I choose, my choices are not the means through which she’ll find completeness.
I know that – now – the best I can do is walk the walk that I must for me…and hope in some small measure that to the degree I make a practice out of nurturing my heart and what I need that in some small way, she maybe will see the who I am.
But this practice of nurturing me is finally not about mom.
This year it’s about me.
And bear with me, but maybe I am writing to still expunge the guilt that is there though it ought not be.
I just spent a month at my mom’s, 2 weeks to house-sit, 2 weeks to try to visit and she had everything and it’s brother come up for her.
In 15 days we may have had one conversation together. Loads of chit chat and talking at but not conversation.
And this is no one’s fault. I chose to go into her world.
But her world is extremely busy for me. Beyond busy.
She had appointments, luncheons, bridge, appointments, cocktail parties, appointments, black ties, even a pre-funeral weekend that took her out of town. Most all her social is philanthropic and foundation promoting. Most all of her appointments are for her sense of health. It’s busy. And complicated.
And she did in fact on several occasions squeeze in openings for a potential visit with me. But in those moments I was either engaged in my work and writing or already had other commitments.
You see, in my mother, I see a nurturing heart, and phenomenally intelligent mind, a constant companion, a partner, a devoted friend.
She lives many qualities that I know I strive to.
I also see a woman who survived an abusive childhood, managed through the pain of divorce, rallied to still host the holidays and keep the order in the years following divorce when I probably would have wanted to run.
But somehow she’s not been able to ‘shed’ her passion with having me make choices she would make to define her, complete her, identify her, substantiate her.
And this echoes her every word with me.
I see her reacting and feeding off of her perception of what she believes my life is lacking. And I’ve exhausted myself trying to change that perception.
In fact it’s been such a huge priority that the morning of my birthday I realized I’ve lost myself – to a large extent – in thinking one of my main ‘jobs’ is to help my mother see me more fully.
Big wake up call.
Hardest lesson I’ve had to learn in a long long long while, and one that I thought I knew.
It is not mine perhaps to ‘fix’ my mother or her view of me anymore than it’s mine to fix anyone’s view.
None of us can force each other to see our spirituality or wholeness.
But it is ours to so live our sense of purpose and individuality.
And this is where I think I’ve been lacking a bit.
I thought I was over this but I’ve actually spent to much wasted energy on how to fix how she sees me.
I thought I could heal feeling invisible around her.
I thought I could be this diehard rock of strength.
And I have been.
But it exhausts me after a while. And I have to ask: Tre, why do you keep showing up expecting something to be different?
And I know why.
Because I strive ad-infinitum to see the good and understand the motive of love behind the actions.
But from my viewpoint, the criticisms are still there, the perceived disappointment, the ongoing shunning.
And these are not influences that support me or nurture my now.
So why continue to show up amidst them and somehow celebrate that I triumphed yet again, when it gets exhausting?
So this post isn’t one full of answers by any means.
I use a lot of ideas to meditate with I can and will share in a later post…about how our true Mother is the source of Love that grounds us and that my real job, or anyone’s is to cultivate a relationship with that influence by heeding our hearts and being true to ourselves.
I’ve learned a lot that way. But my now finds me realizing I must start trusting my mother to her own inner nudge and hope she opts to look through a new lens where it concerns her view of me.
There’s a lot of love there I know.
There’s a deep desire for each other’s happiness.
There’s a devotedness that wants to ensure it in fact.
But how willing are we to see the true substance of one another?
I’m realizing I need to nurture me instead of engaging in battle.
I’m realizing the wisest move isn’t always about wearing the armor that will enable us to survive the battle.
I want more for mom and me, infinitely more.
I want more for all moms and daughters out there.
I have deep hope there is a way where we can each drop our views of what each one of us should or shouldn’t be doing with our lives and honor the choices we are making for the good it brings us.
I hope that any mother who believes her way is the “be all end all solution for fulfillment” can respect her choices for just that merit…for herself.
I hope that all daughters have the courage to evolve their voices in their own ways and strive to find what fulfills them uniquely without choosing out of obligation for what they feel their mothers would expect.
I want that for mom and me and I hope for that possibility amidst all mothers and daughters.
The world needs mothering, it needs solid strong women and it needs strong women leaders.
Surely much of my strength comes from mom’s example and watching her survive. But it also comes from seeing the choices she made I could not agree with and resolving to live life differently. And it’s come from being in awe with others of her choices and knowing I hope to muster and live that much courage too.
Is it possible that mothers and daughters can co exist and find strength in a renewed sense of respect for one another?
Is is possible that through the mother daughter bond we can offer the world a whole renewed sense of womanhood?
These are my hopes and why I opted to nurture my heart this holiday…..
Would love to know how you are nurturing you….and if you’ve ever pulled away from your mom to sift through thoughts as you learned to trust your mom to her own inner nudge while you’re learning how to trust yours….
Here’s to mothering ourselves….and each other.
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Best wishes to you, Tre. Sounds like you are on the right path with your eyes and heart open.
Best wishes to you, Tre. Sounds like you are on the right path with your eyes and heart open.
Hey Yok…you speak a bold truth and it's always refueling to expand our thoughts about family isn't it? you've done that so beautifully…as well as healed a lot in your own relationships…I look up to you and value your wisdom…thanks for offering your perspective here. 🙂
Hey Tre,
I believe that we each have our own path in life. Though we like to have a decent relationship with our family we can't do it at the expense of our soul's purpose.
It's not about resentment or anger but choosing to listen to our soul's deepest desires.
Just remember that you have a spiritual family and we're always here for you holidays or what not.
Thank you Jory…that says a lot. And thanks for the nodding with me…No ultimatums..just step by stepping our anticipated healing. 🙂 Thanks for coming by and offering your perspective.
Tre, as per usual you leave no stone of emotion left unexplored. I honor and congratulate you on your choice. Happy Birthday woman.
golly, i've had that same criticism among others..may i offer something? often the words accusing me of something, attacking me even in heinous ways were uttered when mom is fighting her own internal demons….as i've come to see that, it's helped much in me forgiving her. doesn't excuse it and you wish someone would evolve self awareness so their words didn't stab your heart..but when you see that the anger is sometimes not directed toward you but reacting to her own internal hell, then you're able to shake off the feeling to some degree. trust me it's taken me years to separate mom from her ugliness (occasional)..but it is vital….and i offer this for you…for your daughter….cherish what you love and that you care..and just forgive yourself…you don't know why her actions trigger you as they do…but you do know you adore and love her substance..maybe try separating her actions from the who she is and the who you love…helps me so much and is a necessary step toward healing…..i really oughta start offering mother/daughter sessions in my work :)….hmmmm thanks for planting that seed. 🙂
Dear Tre,
This post provides food for thought in so many ways. My mother once called me “her greatest disappointment.” This never made sense until I realized that I didn't need her enough. From my independence and self-sufficiency sprang her disappointment.
Now I'm on the other end of the spectrum with young adult daughters. Reading your post opened my eyes to the fact that, toward one of my girls, I'm likely sending the same messages your mother sends you. I am horrified! I am surprised by this truth. I am embarrassed. And because of your post, I am on the path of change in that department. Thank you.
hmmm….giggling. not 'brutally true to myself'…more like 'nurturingly, tenderly, mommying-ly true to myself' actually:) interesting take on what you hear me say…..probably right on. and yet that's the goal isn't it in our relationships with anyone: being authentic…being seen for who we are. 🙂 thanks for being here…offering your insights and intuitions:).
so grateful for the thinking:) never a problem to care. only a problem if we ignore that we care and think that's the way. listen to that caring…and feel out what seems right for your next steps..what works for me 🙂
What I really come away from this with is a sense of you being brutally true to yourself, not you letting your mother down, ruining her holiday, or abandoning the relationship. What I hear you saying is that you don’t feel like you can be authentic in her presence…that you can’t truly be yourself. Nothing wrong with setting appropriate boundaries, in my opinion. That very well could just be the most loving thing you could have done for both of you. 🙂
I do care too. Yes, that's the problem. AND, I keep expecting different results! LOL! Isn't that definition of stupid? Doing the same thing over and over, while expecting different results? 😉
You've really made me think today! Thank you!
Hey Evie…THANK YOU and hugs to you for all you’ve poured into this thoughtful helpful comment. Truly. Wanna first offer that this was the first post..there’s a thousand more I need to write that will show each and every effort I’ve made…it’s been a good 25 year long haul..and trust me..the desire for a close relationship with her I consented to decades ago. She matters that deeply much to me. Not only have I written one letter but more like 100. And the emails. Lordy. It’s truly enough to fill a book. And perhaps that’s where I should take this 🙂 I will not give up. But I’ve needed to pause. I’ve tried so many different ways for her to hear me. Ultimately, learning to trust myself more..that I’ve voiced my needs and thus she will opt to either respond, restructure her treatment, or offer some kind of compromise..is where I’d like to see us grow. It’s perhaps not fair that I didn’t put all that background in this post. There’s plenty more to come. This was a first step and you’re helping me see the value of offering other ways I’ve tried. I respect your suggestions highly and your being here…Thanks ever so for your comments.
I wonder if the real question is what are our expectations….your mom may simply not need more. But hopefully her hearing you need more will stir some thinking. I hear you on the point of not caring. I soo get that. But ultimately for me the not caring didn't feel honest. Because I do care. I've had to stop outlining the desired outcome though. Bigtime. Thanks for your hope. I will surely be posting more on this..:)
The willingness for her to work on it as well, is necessary. My mom, she's not there yet. She doesn't see any reason to do things any different. I don't know that we will get there – and I'm at a point right now, that I don't care. Maybe in a few months I too, will be in for the long haul.
Best wishes to you and your mother. I hope to read of success in the coming year. 🙂
Hey Tish…Thanks for stopping by and offering your thoughts. I chuckled because trust me I tried the different continent thing too 🙂 (I've lived abroad before and on an opposite coast…neither move really motivated by a desire to 'leave' mom) 🙂 But you are right…we can't 'fix' them and yet this is the work I'm devoted to: helping others' hearts heal…so it's just a natural pull that the healer in me wants to 'fix' her 🙂 and yet it's not about fixing her. It's about evolving us. And yet…at what cost. Fine tuning my need to nurture me more isn't intending to shut her out for good. I'm so certain there will be a way to bridge us..at least I hope for this….:)
Hey there Jae…grateful you stopped by and offered your perspective. And wow, good for you to value you enough to spend the holiday in a way you felt most beneficial for you and your family. I know there's a way to keep on growing…but it will take honesty about what's the motive behind the judgements and criticisms. And it will take a willingness to do things differently, ie: not just have me all the time going into her world. And mostly it will take a willingness from both of us to keep working at it. I'm clearly in this for the long haul. 🙂
Wow, Margo, so very well said. Yeah, I seem to need to write like this. Here's to hoping the laying it all out there does lead to growth and healing….that to me is one of my main motives in building connections here…grateful these words spoke to you. But more grateful you are here and commenting :)..hugs back:)
Thanks Rachelle, glad it spoke to you. 😉
I think that you have illustrated a very typical parent-child dynamic here. You need to decide whether or not you want to have a good relationship with your mother. By not talking to her when she made time for you (as frustrating as that must have been to be “squeezed in”!), you yourself put up a wall and just added fuel to the fire.
If you want to have a more positive relationship with your mother, I encourage you to write a letter or call her an let her know that. Maybe say something like:
“Mom, I have not felt good about how our last couple of visits gone and I am hoping that together we can make them more successful. I feel very hurt whenever you say x, y, and x. Hearing you say those things makes me feel like you are resentful and angry with the choices I have made. I share blame as well for the state of our relationship by doing a and b and I am sorry to have hurt you with my behavior.
I love you, Mom, and would like for us to have a better relationship together, not a resentful one filled with criticism and ill feeling, but a friendly one in which celebrate one another's accomplishments and enjoy one another's company, accepting and loving one another for the people that we are. You are an intelligent, generous woman who devotes so much time to helping make the lives of other people better. I am so proud of this work you do. I was also so impressed by the way you kept your life together through the divorce and admired that you were still able to make the holidays special at a time when others might have just retreated into a shell.”
Then I might reiterate the desire for a better relationship and suggest a shared activity that will allow you to have a fun, non-blaming conversation during a telephone call: read a fun book, see a movie, etc.
I don't mean to sound unsympathetic to the cold realities of your relationship with your mother or to the deep hurt her behavior has caused you. But before you retreat and just add to the big pile of resentment that separates the two of you, I suggest you give it your best effort to knock that pile down and make things better between the two of you. If it doesn't work, then at least you will know that you tried to take proactive measures to improve things between you.
what a wonderful post! as we become adult women, sometimes we find ourselves breaking from the “tradtional”–that strange belief that mother and daughter must be emeshed. It's a false belief anyway. So many women, over the course of history, have left their mothers one way or another. We don't necessarily, literally, put entire continents between ourselves and our mothers any more. We sometimes must have emotional separation–a cutting of those ties that keep our identies subsumed in the identities of our mothers. It's not that we don't love them, it's just that we aren't them. And we certainly can't fix it when our mothers aren't happy with our lives. We shouldn't anyway: because it isn't that they're not happy with our lives, but that, perhaps, they aren't totally happy and satisfied with their own.
You're definitely on your way to a better appreciation of yourself, Tre, and when that comes, you'll have a much different relationship with your mom. probably a better one 🙂
“I love my mother, truly. Yet, I don’t know what I need or want from our relationship anymore. And so I’m taking a huge major pause to just breathe.” I totally, utterly understand. I am there myself. I choose not to be around my mother this holiday either. Our mothers are judgmental about different things (I have 3 kids), however it sounds as if they are cruel and hurtful in much the same way. I applaud you. It's not an easy decision, nor a popular one.
I so love you Tre and I am glad that you have shared this post. The internet can really be an instrument of healing when we use it like this and we all grow and are better for people like you who are willing to lay it out there and share such deep life lessons.
Hugs
This is a very powerful post, and a powerful decision. Much warmth to you on your grown up holiday!