It was March of 2013 and I’d just finished paying off a credit card bill
And a simple addition of expenses showed me
I had paid almost $2000.00 in rental car fees
Not an expense I’m that proud to admit
But I justified keeping a rental car then
Because I was spending time in the Keys…
A place that has always filled my heart with glee.
Lemme back up and offer this here: sometimes we reward ourselves in ways that are never clear…
To onlookers or people who may know us a little or a lot…
Sometimes the way we reward ourselves seems incredibly and definitely odd!
So what was I rewarding myself for?
And why was I spending so many weeks in the south?
Well for several years I had struggled
to put one foot in front of the next…
And my struggle is no different from yours…
Many days it seems nothing makes any sense…
And you devote yourself in ways you feel led…
But often the biggest internal enemy is the thing that wants something to measure…
That thing that says ‘show me I’m getting closer to my goals’…
That thing that wants to size up all our efforts…
That thing that wants proof we are devoting the right way…
That thing that wants to size up and assess the woman we are living…
No idea what I’m talking about?
Wow lucky you!
I have an internal assessor bugger I strive daily to divorce through and through…
Yet I also know that the goals to which I had devoted…
Definitely were being realized footstep by footstep.
But many of my pursuits were in lands up north…
And my yearning to spend time where I experienced childhood so tugged at my heart!!!
So in December of 2012…
I decided to go and spend some days in the south…
And rent a car is what I knew how to do…
But I never thought a weekly rental would turn into one month let alone two.
And week after week would go by in the Keys…
And I was living like I live:
I was writing and praying and taking calls like I do in my work as a healer…
And I had resolved that I wanted more time in that place…
But I had also resolved that renting a car seemed silly and foolish.
So one day a close friend said to me:
“Tre just open thought up to buying a used car while you’re here” (the so you Lynnie!)
And it made so much sense!!!
But it fought all my preconceived logic:
that says “once you buy a car (house etc) you keep it for years!!!”
And yet the more I let go that rigid false sense of right
The more the idea of buying a used car seemed alright!
And sure enough within a few days did I see…
A used Jeep Wrangler sitting in the parking lot with a for sale sign in front of Winn Dixie…
I phoned the guy immediately and he was kind and very clear:
He was selling because he didn’t spend that much time any more down here…
And when he came down from his home in Jersey
He often used his motorcycle and simply didn’t have need for the Jeep.
And we met and he started her up and she seemed quite fine
But I can not fib or hide from this silly fact: I never even got in her to test drive:):):) (I trusted the moment so much!)
I was so convinced that I was meant to buy that car now!!!
That I paid his asking price and the Jeep became mine within 24 hours…
But see friend?
I have never ever bought a used vehicle.
And the few cars I’ve been blessed to have were always found or given to me.
And this isn’t an excuse or me crying or wimping out.
But when you’re in your early 40s as a woman on her own you sometimes fib the truth.
Meaning I didn’t tell the guy:
“Hi I’ve never bought a used car”
Or leaned on him for some help.
Golly no!
I acted like I do wherever I go.
I was calm.
I was clear.
I acted confident.
All the while in thought I’m bulldozing fear of seeming ignorant.
And I’m not sure why I felt there was weakness in thinking I was getting in over my head.
And I sure as heck didn’t admit or tell anyone what I was considering.
You may wonder and you may think I”m a friek.
But it’s been my experience that when I get a hunch, it doesn’t just take me one step, it takes me all the way.
And often when I’ve shared with friends or loved ones what I’m doing?
They project their unknowns and fears and doubts and inhibitions…
So much so that such has always felt like such a stifling trap!
And my heart to yours, people mean well but unless someone is walking your foot steps exact?
They don’t know and they can’t tell you what is right for you…
So buy the jeep did I and I felt good about it through and through!
Yet….
A week later things would begin to occur
Which showed me time and again buying used this way may not have been so wise.
There was an oil leak which caused a small fire…
And then after repairing that oil gasket the transmission blew…
And after repairing the transmission,
The suspension needed overhauling…
And so did the brakes and the starter and the fuel pump needed replacing too.
But guess what happened to me along the way of doing all these repairs?
I lost all fear of any used car for sure!
A car is a machine and machines need regular maintance.
And it’s not at all unlike our thought and our lives which also need refueling…
I know now so much more than I did back then…
And I’m not at all ashamed of the steps that I took.
But surely I’ve heard so many people’s opinions…
And many would never have bought what they call a P.O.S.
But, I made my choices and held myself accountable to them.
And now that its fully repaired, I feel so honestly ready to give her wings.
But there’s vastly so much more to this story than just the fact I wanted to stay longer in the Keys…
This is so much more about trial and error of living the life that feels wise to me.
And we don’t ever get a map of what our womanhood should look like.
And when I’ve tried to follow others’ footsteps well, they’re either walking them too fast or are married or just have other things going on and it never feels right…
I’m not married…
I’m not a mom…
I have what to many seems little responsibility…
But I have a ridiculously high standard of doing things with deep honesty and conviction.
And I don’t want to be naive or weak on any matter…
And that may take me a while to brave still much that I fear…
But I am determined to be clear and awake and aware about every choice.
And this is why I insist my name is on the title deed or paperwork of everything I own!!!
I feel a woman must stop at nothing to learn her voice…
And to use it with grace and strength and help others use theirs too.
Will I ever buy a 24 yr. old vehicle again?
Probably not.
But I owned my choice and poured everything I needed into it and that to me is what matters most.
Whats also worth sharing if you’re still here:
Years ago a guy I loved stole my identity when he took out a credit card in my name…
And he bought himself and his new girlfriend a Jeep Wrangler and I only found out about it when I got a call from Citibank…
And it would take a while to clean up that mess and get him to put the credit card in his name.
And I never — not once — tried to bail him out nor would I… I believe he paid every last dime.
But I had always wanted a Jeep and he knew this fully…
And yet after that happened I couldn’t even look at a Wrangler without
Remembering that horrible nightmare of the identity theft…
And, sadly, that would only be the start of many things that have happened to me that have not been pretty…
But I was determined to face my own desire and inclination…
To try out a Wrangler and at least have a go with it.
And I consciously did not buy brand new because I wanted to try it out.
And so these are the reasons why that 1990 Jeep Wrangler found it’s way into my life.
I should add that I forgave that dear man of his ignorance.
And I actually phoned him about 7 years later and we met for a bit of a coffee and a chat.
He apologized genuinely and shared how his life had taken turns…
And I realized that our path was not meant to stay intertwined and yet I still genuinely forgave him.
So friend reading: the purchase of the Wrangler last year?
Had everything to do with refusing to fear:
a type of vehicle…
or the fact that it was used…
And then when many things needed to be repaired I treated her with TLC…as I always do…
And now I just know that I will be led to give her wings
To someone who will likewise value a car of charm and character that is vintage.
Thank you for pausing with me to read this poem which I’ve spontaneously penned.
I’m probably leaving out other details which you are welcome to ask.
Leave a comment in the comments below if you wish.
My heart to yours:
Stop at nothing to bulldoze fear
Let yourself confront the fears of the past…
Let yourself reinvent your sense of woman…
Let yourself not think any man intentionally takes advantage…
Have deep compassion with especially your precious self.
My heart to yours ~
Tre