Squelch the Self Babble Sabotager: 4 Steps To Begin Healing Self Loathing

The following internal dialogue is one example of one way self babble may ensue:

Scene: any place, any where, typically when you first become conscious in the morning, but throughout the day and then some:

sabotager: Hurry up. You’re late. You have to get started doing that thing.

you, me, anyone: What thing?

sabotager: The thing you’re supposed to be doing!!!

you, me anyone: Which one? There’s bazillions!!!

sabotager: ALL OF THEM! AND YOU NEED TO START NOW!!!!!!!!! STUPID IDIOT!!!

you, me, anyone: Wait! Wait! Hang on!  What do you mean?  Which thing? Stop scolding me, I can’t hear myself think.

sabotager: COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!! Get you stupid sh*t together. This is real life idiot….not kindergarten. Everyone else is ALREADY DOING THEIR THING AND MOVING FORWARD! You haven’t even started!!!!!!! What’s the matter with you? You’re so all over the map you never get anything done. You are WASTING YOUR LIFE AWAY…..

THE BUS HAS LEFT AND THERE’S ONLY ONE MORE YOU CAN GET ON.

you, me, anyone: But…but…but….I don’t know where I’m going or what I should choose to do first…or how..or where…so how do I know what I’m  supposed to do????????????

sabotager: “JUST CHOOSE YOU HEINOUS IMBUSOL…or are you too stupid to even make one choice? Idiot…

Panic ensues, beating up one’s self in whatever way that allows survival ensues, and the cycle goes on, and on, and on, and on….

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I don’t know how much more explicit I can get.

The scolding voice will run us into the ground before we even breathe in the first moments of the morning….

IF we let it.

IF we don’t know that we can actually jump in grab hold the steering wheel and start steering.

Where are we going?

One thing I learned in my motorcycle training course (and yes, I ride. No, not as a passenger).

“Look where you wanna go.” Whenever you’re on a motorcycle, the goal is to look in front of you, where you are heading, no matter if you’re riding straight or turning…especially when you’re turning. Looking where you are heading focuses thought on that destination. Steering there gets you there.

That lesson taught me: Look where you wanna go in life.

But try telling that to the sabotager, especially when it’s attacking.

It’s too broad a focus and too unmappable a gameplan, at least in that moment. In future writings I’ll offer how I’ve created a blue print for my life).

But for now, in the midst of internal condemning, we need to look where we want to go in that very moment.

One of the most transformational lessons I’ve learned in my spirituality study is the concept of individuality Mary Baker Eddy expands on in her life work: Science and Health:

“Man is a compound idea including all right ideas.”

Spiritually and reality wise for me that means I already include where I’m striving to go…as an essence..as qualities…as modes of thought.

Where am I striving to go?

Pause with me for a moment.

Have you ever asked that question– where am I striving to go — thought-wise?

I’m not talking status or label wise, I’m not talking salary or job wise, I’m not talking marital status, motherhood/fatherhood status….I’m talking essence of being…the kind of individual you are striving to be day in and day out…thoughtfully?

Are you so caught up in running on the treadmill just to keep up with the demands of today that you are 24/7 just existing in your life?

Been there/done that. So very.

In the years I taught middle school I prepared lessons for 32 + 11 year olds, went to grad school at night and came home at 10pm to start grading papers. Crashed at 2 or 3am only to get up at 5am and do it all over again.

Not. Healthy.

But in other years when I cocktail waitressed, cleaned houses, substitute taught and housesat,  when my schedule seemed a lot less demanding production wise, it was no less self loathing free thought wise.

Why?
Because of the scolding and bashing and condemning internal voice that I was constantly CONSTANTLY listening to, reacting to, paying all attention to.

Here’s the thing: I thought I was paralyzed.

I thought no matter what I’m never gonna be free of this nasty heinous bugger that is murdering me every single moment.

But you know what?

That belief, that we can never be free of the heinous murderer in our minds…it’s just not true.

Why.

Because it’s NEVER EVER EVER our thought.

I KNOW it comes in the voice of “You stupid f – up” or “You idiot.”

I KNOW it comes as shoulda woulda coulda done this, that, the other with our lives.

I know it always sounds like inner self babble so of course it’s a part of us.

But it never ever ever is.

Ever.

And KNOWING that is the most empowering yet gentle first step to healing.

How to begin healing self loathing and squelch the sabotager

So here’s what I want to offer.

If you’re strung out by the inner self babble and want so much to suffocate the internal sabotager and want to learn how, please be in touch.

But so you’re not left hanging thinking you have to wait another second to start healing, let me offer a four ways I dive in:

a)    Stand in your now, this now, this right now moment: NO MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE…no matter if you’ve violated yourself and committed atrocious behavior to your body, no matter if you have allowed someone else to, no matter if you are standing in five million pounds of guilt, YOU ARE STANDING IN THIS MOMENT. YOU ARE READING THIS TEXT RIGHT HERE.

Stand. Still. For one moment. In thought. This moment. And the next. And the next. Stand.

b)   Hug the hope of possibility: This may seem a ginormous stretch. Especially if you are suffocating from guilt. But ….as ever you are able…touch the glimpse of hope of possibility that healing is possible…because it is…..

c)    Embody innocence: Take some moments this hour to think about a time when you felt completely innocent, pure, free, angelic if you will….think about where you were…what you were doing…maybe you were 3 yrs old and you can go back into your thoughts and remember someone clutching your hand…and tracing their fingers with yours….

Or maybe you are 12 and singing in a summer play performance in front of your friends or just hightailed it off the a swing.

Whatever the scene….be there and stay there and soak up all the reasons why you felt beautiful and innocent and pure and whole in those moments.

4. Own your right to choose: Know that this feeling IS your core essence and substance. And while you may feel a million miles away from it, you aren’t separate from this essence, now or ever. Even if it feels like it will take 50 lifetimes – you will feel innocent and pure and whole again

Those are just some right now things to try to implement into your right now today.

I will continue this post with more how to heal self loathing and self condemnation…and offer more of what’s helped me in further posts.

I hope you hug the heart that is YOURS and I hope and trust you will know how completely safe and valued and necessary and loved you are.

Til soon…