Tonight…as I was washing dishes…and cleaning the kitchen floor…and straightening what was already straight…
that little voice within I call my ‘little girl’ yanked a bit on my t-shirt…and said, ‘Hey…Tre….thank you….”
And as I am wont to do at times when I’m tooing and frowing and doing the this and that that doesn’t really need doing I heard myself say ‘Yes, yes, whatever.”
Until she calmly, quietly, repeated it again: “Tre…thank you.”
And this time I paused.
And asked, “for what?”
And she responded, “for slowing down.”
And I stood still….to ponder what would make her think I’ve slowed down?….(rather at first rebutting the very thought….”slow down?..how can one ever slow down in all that must be done?”…I argued).
But I stood still.
And thought about what she might have meant.
And I heard her respeat: “Tre, thank you….for slowing down and saying no…when all else would have said yes.”
And I knew that moment what she meant.
I knew right there she was meaning thank you for saying no….and pausing.
…to the offers of doings and dithers that have come my way, when well meaning folk insisted ‘well you’re coming now, aren’t you? you wouldn’t dare miss this, would you? you have to show up, it’s what’s expected” kind of way…….
I knew right there she was meaning thank you for saying no….and pausing…
…to the offers of self absorbed others…where consenting to demands would have meant becoming shadow in servitude, where nodding and just saying yes would have been tolerated as all I’d have been seen worthy of contributing.
Because somehow she sees my heart and knows….
That I’m surely not trying to break social norm structures….or trying to hurt otherwise well meaning folk..but that at times in order to pace with the me that I have become, I must — I have learned — say no.
Why?
Because, I am still learning, that saying “no” is often saying YES…to the me I know I have become….to the ways that I know I must… to nurture my heart and take care of my moments, and be certain to steady and pace with whatever nudges within beckon me do so.
And it’s not fancy.
Or fussy.
Or even a walk that most would pine for.
No surely not.
But it’s a pacing and a steady embracing of my heart that I’ve learned is how I am best able to ‘mommy’ the me that I am.
So I stood back…took a deep breath … and responded.
“Well, you’re welcome. And thank you for reminding me not to neglect you.”
So here’s to sifting and sensing and feeling out what makes the most sense for our now…
And to discern wisely when to say no — when it means saying yes to our hearts…