In the late hours of the night I find myself opening up the door to her bedroom and tip toeing gently to kneel by her bedside and touch her sweet face and see, just see, if she’s sleeping calmly.
Of course she is.
Resting.
Sleeping.
Calm.
Which make my fears of neglect unwarranted and the pangs of avoidance seem silly.
And yet….for so long I mommied her, held her hand, clung to her body and tended to her heart.
Once, she was scared.
Once she was petrified actually about how to make it through that very hour. And then the next and then the next.
All I could do then was hold her and rock her and keep her so very close, so very close and gently remind her though I didn’t quite know how that all would be okay…soon.
I remember her sobbing in my arms and wanting so much to believe me yet still feeling so at present the deep pain and sting of the loss.
And so I would rock her.
And continue.
And continue.
For well over 3 yrs I rocked her whenever she needed, which seemed almost daily and sometimes several times a day.
And now, thought this familiar scene warmed my heart, the image of her gently and soundly and calmly resting just so made me pause in awe.
True, it didn’t seem she was asking me where had I gone.
Truer still, it was apparent she wasn’t reaching out for me as much anymore, and really hadn’t been.
And dare I admit I was missing that nurturing and holding….thought far better was it for me to not have her so desperately yearning in need.
I got up from the bedside and tiptoed out of the room…and just as I was closing the door I heard her say “Thank you for never letting me go. You’ve let me become you.”
And I opened my eyes.
And saw myself seated in my prayer chair.
And I knew at once the little girl I pretended to tuck in was really the memory of me during all that time.
And I sat still and paused some more.
Realizing even still, we never let her go….our child within…the one that sometimes needs comforting …the one that sometimes needs still to see there’s very little to fear and fret and worry about or pain over.
Truly can we calmly know we’re not neglecting her an ounce, especially when she’s not crying out and beckoning our response as often.
For it’s in those moments of not hearing a crying out that we can know that comfort and hope and calm and knowing rock the infant thought, calm the uncertainty and tenderly caress the heart…
Indeed I know now I do not truly miss that child within.
And more still, I know se has grown in deep wisdom and love and is off helping another just as I type…..
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If a sense of loss or separation from a loved one or family is tugging at your heart, if you’ve taken steps that are vital to your survival but aching over the missing of other, if you are simply empty 24/7 and feeling alone most of the time, I would adore helping you ‘tuck in’…tuck up your heart moment by moment and strive to find you again amidst your days….
Rejection is difficult at best….
When it happens from those we believed we loved most it hurts deeper than any other pain….
The rainbow of hope and lightness and feeling whole and complete again may seem so far off but in our work together you will see that glow again :)…a little at first and then sometday in beaming hues…..
I welcome hearing from you: tre (at) thought by thought (dot) net
Peace and warmth and love to you…..