- Image by beautifulcataya via Flickr
There’s a squirming within, followed by a deep breath and a long heavy sigh.
But panic ensues and rushing around busy-seeming grabs the steering wheel, slams the pedal down to haul over to the dead end to that do nothing wait and see place…you know that one we mentioned over here.
Rush around busy seeming sits all proud and pristine.
She’s acting like she’s won.
And she’s mighty proud of that.
And smiling, in a snarky kind of way, she asserts:
“By golly, I own this car. I have the wheel. So I’m totally gonna control things now.”
She declares she’s gonna just park and not budge. An inch. Or a foot. Or even a mile.
But you don’t like being passenger. And you don’t like how she–rush around busy seeming— drives when she does drive. It’s fast, lightening speed, sporadic and unpredictable, and too darn forced to make you feel safe and cared for and comforted.
You go to open the car door to get out, to get some fresh air, but she pushes the lock and locks the door.
“You’re not goin anywhere scaredy girl. Gonna sit yourself right on here and just deal. Gotta do things my pace or nothing gets done around here.”
You figured she’d say as such.
You brave your response: “But I don’t like how you drive. It’s too fast.”
“Wuss.” she hisses.
You brave continuing anyway.
“I have to hold on so tight when you drive, I don’t feel safe. I’m not comfortable. I’m getting out of the car.”
You reach over and unlock the door and open the door and step out.
Outside, you take a calm deep breath.
Tears begin to stream lightly down your face.
The struggle in you to be brave is apologizing.
The mommy in you is telling you you did the right thing.
The rush around busy seeming screams at you from behind the wheel:
“You’re sucha baby, whimpgirl.
Get back into the car and be a real woman.
Stop all this crying nonsense.”
By now you’re walking a good pace, away from the car.
Her attacks become faded.
You keep taking deep breaths.
You feel yourself calming as you walk further and further.
You contemplate life without a vehicle, all the ways you can go about what you need to do without the car.
You ponder getting a bicycle.
You still hear her call you a whimp. Again.
You consider renting one once a week if you really needed one. (a car)
You realize the beautify of creating life at a pace you can breathe with feels like skinny dipping…without the rush around control queen voice who’s trying to steer and manipulate you.
You take another deep breath and close your eyes again.
And you open your eyes.
And you’re calm.
And you remember that ego isn’t power you need respond to and there’s nothing in you vulnerable to react to the condemnings of the ‘anti-you’ voice.
And you take another deep breath and remember and defend for yourself that the only voice worth heeding is the still small calm one, within.
And now you are completely aware and alert and you put the car in reverse and back up, turn and drive.
And as you drive slowly, you remind yourself to pause and role play more often because it helps to discern who you are and a pace you can breathe with.
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