Permission to forgive…and continue to play

I remember never wanting to hold a grudge or stay mad.

It took more effort, made me feel mean, and I wanted to play and have fun, not stay grumpy and resentful.

In kindergarten there were a few bullies who pulled on my braids and lifted up my uniform and making fun of me, the way mean 4 yr olds do. And it took so much more effort to run away from them and hide than to just brave my bold self and play on.

But play on I did.

I had slides to ride and trees to climb and swings to swing.

And even through the tears, the bullies didn’t run me off the playground.

In many ways, that truth still is true: the bullies aren’t running me off the playground.

But something is different in my now than when I was 4.

In my now?

I’m making a concerted effort to mentally forgive the bullies.

All bullies.

All mean reactions, angered shunnings, hardened hearts and unkind attitudes.

Why?

Because I know deep down, no one chooses to be gruff intentionally.

No one wakes up, leaps outa bed with the determination to anger others.

Circumstances shape us sometimes when we’re not alert to how much heart ache can harden us and pain can sway us into apathy.

But we don’t have to let it.

We don’t have to allow bullying, heartache, mean attitudes or gruff dispositions snuff what drives us or suffocate our innocence, our willingness to play on.

We simply have to do just that: play on…get on that swing and swing….climb that slide and slide…smile anyway.

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I made a wrong turn tonight.

Nothing serious.

Just turned into someone’s driveway that I believed was a street.

Charging toward me at 30 mph was a very determined to get to his destination brand new vehicle.

And there was not room for two cars side by side on this driveway.

I couldn’t back up into the street behind me as it was busy oncoming traffic.

And from the looks of it I wasn’t going to hurry up fast enough to get out of the oncoming vehicle’s way.

I glanced to my right, the sign said “no trespassing: private driveway.”

Had I taken 2 seconds and become stuck in bullying myself “You stupid idiot should have known better” I may have reacted in panic and backed up into oncoming traffic.

In that split second I forgave myself: “New road. Dark. Didn’t see with all the trees that the road I turned onto was not a street but a private driveway. Note to self. Will learn. Will do better next time.”

But also, in that split second, I turned what was the grave pull to assume the oncoming speeding vehicle was operated by an extremely angered that I was trespassing on his property minded individual. I turned away from the pull that believed he was so furious with me he might just steamroll straight through my car. And I simply stood still: in my thought, in my vehicle and refused to cave.

I’d made a mistake.

But I was owning that and wasn’t about to panic and react.

The pull in such an instance may be to go ahead and expect his anger to steer my reaction.

No.

In that split moment I owned that this driver once was a boy who climbed trees or played with toys or whatever.

He once exuded childlike innocence and fearless joy.

Age — he appeared 20 yrs my senior perhaps — didn’t have to intimidate me.

Wealth — he drove a luxury vehicle and this was clearly an estate —  didn’t have to intimidate me.

Seriously.

I made a wrong turn.

Whether he was late to a once in a life time even or not, his need to exit his driveway was his need.

I was not responsible for his anger.

Forgiving myself, I stood still mentally in that vehicle and waited til I could pull out.

I would love to say he pulled up alongside me, rolled down his window, and asked very neighborly “May I help you? Are you lost? Did you take a wrong turn?”

Oh, if only.

No.

I got the full monty blown siren barked at me obscenities and he came about one inch from careening into my car.

He swayed around me at 20mph and drove right into the busy oncoming traffic causing the oncoming vehicles to slam on their brakes.

And off he, and his gruffness, barreled.

Judging from the speed of his oncoming approach, my presence in his driveway was not the cause of his angst.

He was late, so it appeared.

And there I sat.

Pulled as I’ve mentioned in lots of different directions but consenting to none.

Why.

Because I had already forgiven myself.

And that was my shield to thwart off the bullying, angered, echo of obscentities coming from his mouth, blaring echo of his horn, and the shock and angered hand motions of the woman accompanying him.

They were fed up with me surely. But I saw other in their expressions.

I saw tired lives, stale hearts, tightened perspectives that are probably used to controlling every millisecond of their days and steamrolling through them.

But in the replaying that visual in my thoughts, I had to stretch myself to see the perhaps once very in love couple that did have joy, once, that may have paused to help a neighbor who clearly was lost.

Yet, I didn’t stay in that land of sorrow for their gruffness.

Nor did I stay in that pull of “Tre, you need to know your streets better.”

I let it all go.

I hugged my heart for being wise not to react.

I gave myself that note to self: Okay. Noted. This is a private driveway. And I showered off myself mentally from the onslaught of what felt like bullying behavior. And more? I released that senior couple from it too.

And in my thoughts, we continued to play.

What if you forgive yourself the next time you’re pulled to dump on yourself?

What could change if you forgive and play on?