A day I used to describe as a middle day…
A day that used to feel the midway point of climbing an ascent.
A week ago, here on the blog, I began a regular series about Ways of Womanhood..the way I’m seeking to live it, be it, exude it.
And I giggled this morning because in no way do I see my unfolding of my expression of the woman I am as an ascent or upward climb.
But I used to.
I used to be so convinced of my inadequacy and what I felt was a wasted potential as a woman that I constantly felt stuck, stupid, sorry in the loser kind of way, whose only shimmer of hope was thinking if I could just make some upward strides, I’d get out of this hole.
And further? I didn’t dare let anyone know of this internal struggle.
GAWK….GASP…admit you don’t have it all figured out with a pristine perfect plan? I’d hear their assumed cackling:
“For God’s sakes woman…You went to college. You are fairly smart. What the hell? What’s wrong with your lame self?”
And in those modes of thinking, I stayed kinda stuck at my own internal pit for a long time, more than a decade.
It took me years to break this cycle of beating myself up and forgiving myself only to do it all over again.
But what shifted for me wasn’t about external upward climbs.
It was about being utterly honest with myself, owning my unknowns and giving myself permission to be okay with the unknowns instead of thinking I had to somehow have a gameplan or adopt a set lifestyle so that all the externals lined up and onlookers would think ‘okay she’s all set.’
In short, it was about owning my right to heal fear of the unknown…a fear I had not caused and thus should not feel guilty for or worthy of heinous blame and shunning.
What I want to offer for today…for this post on “ways of womanhood”….is this: in whatever way you feel is most nurturing of your now, start holding your heart and hugging yourself with accepting that it is more than okay that you may feel fearful of the unknowns.
It is not something to hate yourself about.
It is not something to hurt yourself about.
It’s not something to blame, accuse, shun, or destroy yourself about.
Give yourself permission in whatever way you are able that you don’t have to hate yourself for fearing anything.
But own your right to know this: that same fear is not your voice and is not you.
Tough, I know because it’s in thought so often 24/7.
But like the heaviest winter coat, it is a massive layer that can be shed.
And the first step is owning your right to not hate that you feel fearful.
You don’t have to like it.
You can absolutely wish it would go away.
But you are not the cause for the fear.
You are not to blame for the fear.
You are not a complete loser idiot lame excuse for a woman that you feel the fear.
You have done nothing horribly wrong that brought this on….and you are never ever ever stuck.
If those are the only nuggets of seeds you begin to plant in your thoughts, awesome.
And while this is just one of a set of simple tools that have helped me heal a butt-load of fear…a decades worth…I offer these in hopes of perhaps helping you prevent imposing on yourself a ton of unnecessary, undeserving, and heinous pain, guilt, shame, and worthlessness.
So this is me, Tre, hugging you, holding your hand, looking into your eyes and knowing you are whole and okay….and that this fear doesn’t own you, define you, base your being or rule the moment, let alone the day, let alone your life.
And you will master it, squelch it, suffocate it instead of yourself……
Deep hugs and holding your now…..