Seeing…ourselves

I used to think I knew what love means….

I lived for approval

I sought acceptance

I aimed to please…or so I thought.

Because doing so won attention, acceptance, accolades, and the presence of others.

And all the while, I ignored how I was being nudged…

and the constant feeling of being invisible.

I simply thought something was wrong with me…

and I told the ache would have to hush.

But…something very odd occurred in this quest for that which would ensure the presence of others:

criticism erupted,

complaints occurred,

shaming and blaming and ostracizing ensued.

And…

I hadn’t ever sought to hurt anyone, let alone those closest to me.

And so…

I edited me…

I…

conformed

complied

constricted my vision.

concentrated on what would make ‘them’ smile.

And for a good decade or more I felt rather numb and invisible.

And I told this ache to hush…for it was more important to earn that approval, be accepted, seem about a right life…

And oddly, once again,

criticism erupted

complaints occurred

shaming and blaming and ostracizing ensued.

And this befuddled me.

For it was near the same response to when I’d sought to be …well, me.

So I paused.

For several years.

And sifted.

And sensed.

And separated.

And strove….to reacquaint myself…with me.

And beautifully

I found home.

I found comfort.

I found contentment.

I found hope.

Not in ‘them’ or opinion or externals of any kind.

But in nodding with my heart, breathing, being.

And what of the criticism, complaining, and ostracizing?

Perhaps the simplest result of all: I stopped responding….

and began responding to the inklings within.

For perhaps in loving ourselves the simple oddity is this:

there well may always be

criticism

complaining

ostracizing and shaming

but at long last, it won’t be from within….

Fair to say I’m beginning to live?

How bout you?